Normal

I've always known I was not normal. I don't mean this is going to be one of those I was always different from other kids things. I just wasn't normal. As long ago as I can remember, there have been things everyone else did, everyone else just naturally knew, that I just wasn't aware of. When I was younger, there were somewhat simple aspects of this, like not wearing whatever was in fashion, or not knowing anything about popular music, but there was always different stuff, too. I just didn't know some of the things everyone else did.

            Not that I was slow or anything, and not that most people even noticed. I could hide what I didn't know a lot, simply by nodding like I understood, or answering generally enough to feign that I knew what I was talking about. And there was also a lot of stuff that I knew about, when the other kids didn't. I was a lot more mature than a lot of my friends, too. I always understood the jokes teachers made to each other in class, when none of the other kids knew what was going on, I always made jokes that adults thought were actually funny, not just cute-little-kid funny. And I mean when I was a little kid, like age ten or something. A lot of this came from having an older brother, I think, and wanting to tag along with him.

            But some was just inherent, I think. Thinking about it now, I wonder, maybe I was making up for lack of beauty or something. But we'll talk about that, later. For now, we just discuss my intelligence (or lack thereof). Of course, I'm not sure why we're discussing this, or, rather, why I'm telling you this (there is no discussion, as I don't even know who "you" is, or who you are, or whatever), as I've never told anyone this, or if I did, it was very general, vague, and interrupted numerous times by whoever I was talking to telling me I'm smart. You can't do that, at least not while I'm writing it, and for that I'm glad.

            But anyway, I'm off on a tangent. I shall continue. I'm looking back on it now, and perhaps the only intelligence I did possess was, in reality, simply maturity. I'm sure I could argue that somehow, I'm sure a lot of what I did know was my own knowledge, things I picked up and learned and the like, but a lot of it simply was knowing the things the older kids and adults knew. That is to say, things the more mature people knew. I knew how to pretend I knew something, without actually proving it. I knew how to figure things out, I knew about humour, I knew various things like that. But the other stuff, I just didn't.

            But that's mostly when I was younger. As a ten year old, or even younger, I would know secret things, like about (shh, only talk when the grown-ups aren't around) sex and various terms that only the kids with older brothers knew, but I knew other things. I was constantly getting embarrassed by the other kids in my class, the silly things they did that they thought were hilarious, the things that the parents laughed at more than they laughed for. As each year went by, I hoped and hoped that my class would mature, that they would stop doing the things that made me hide my head and pretend I wasn't one of them. But every year, it continued.

            I was sure it would get better in junior high and high school. There were going to be a lot more kids, a lot of really smart kids, a lot of mature kids. And I'm not saying there weren't. Individually, I know some of the most amazing, profound, mature, learned, smart kids. But then� even in seventh, eighth, ninth, even in my sophomore year, kids my age are doing things that embarrass, almost shame me. I don't let them know, that would be rude, and somehow, not everyone else thinks it's so embarrassing. But to me, I just can't stand it. (Even my mother, a full grown woman, makes immature remarks, but everyone agrees with that.) I don't know if I'm getting my point across, if this just sounds condescending and superior. That's not what I mean. As I said in the beginning, there's a lot of stuff I just don't get. I guess all I can say is I'm not normal.

            I hooked up with older kids early on. After my brother, I mean, when I was on my own at an upper school, I made friends with the sophomores at the time, two years my senior when I first started hanging out with them. The next year, I met a gang of seniors who I was comfortable with. I thought, ok, this is going to work, these people are mature, older. And it works, for the most part. Even their childish fun is somehow better than before (or maybe I'm just letting go of this superior-sounding attitude), and the stupid things they do and say are a little better. And I'm finding out the girls in my grade really do know some of the same stuff I do. But then, sometimes, one of the eighteen year old girls I know says something wrong, acts a bit embarrassing, and I know that I'm the weird one.

            I am really trying not to sound like I think I'm so much greater because I'm so much more mature. And I know that in reality, I probably am not that mature, or at least am not any more mature than a large percent of the people I know.

            And sometimes, I really do wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could laugh along at the jokes, and not think of the stupidity. I wish I didn't always understand the things I do. And I definitely wish I knew the things the other kids knew. Sometimes, I wish I were normal.

            I don't know. Maybe, with time, I will figure out I'm not all that mature. Or, if I am, maybe with time, the other kids will catch up. Or maybe I'll meet some other people out there like me. Who knows?

But for now, I've finally gotten all this out. And I'm glad, in some ways. I hope you don't think this makes me a bitch, of course. I'm just trying to write something. And who knows, maybe out there, there's someone reading this who actually knows what I'm talking about. I'm sure there will be people who find little parts, and think, oh, wow, I know what that's like. But what I'm really hoping is someone out there will read this and think, wow, that's me, that's completely and utterly me. I don't care if we'd talk, and become friends, or whatever. Or even if I knew they were thinking that. I just would like some other kid out there to think the same things I was. About this, anyway. Maybe that's what all (if I write more) the things I write will be about.

                                        The kids out there. Who aren't normal. Like me.