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Saturday, December 01, 2001
i just realized i said i feel proud. right after mentioning that a lot of gay stuff was on TV. it's on tv because gay people get AIDS.
And after, And The Band Played On was on. World AIDS Day. A lot of gay stuff is on today. I think I want to read And the Band Played On. I remember when my mom was reading it, but I had no idea what it was about at the time. I thought something about a band, a bunch of adults I didn�t care about. If I only knew. And not only is Annie�s dad in this movie, but so is Matt�s. Weird.
At the end of Dear Jesse, he interviewed these two college boys who were dating. They were just talking about the gay population of North Carolina, and how they felt about Jesse Helms. It was a black guy and a white guy, and as they were talking, it showed their names. The white boy was Matthew Shephard.
Yahoo Center For Disease Control: AIDS The NAMES project. That quilt thing. It's really cool. Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS I'm also watching an interesting documentary on the Sundance Film Channel, which is actually having the entire day (starting at midnight last night, i noticed) about World AIDS Day. The movie I'm watching is "Dear Jesse", a documentary by a gay film maker who returned ot his home state of North Carolina to examine the appeal and success of Senator Jesse Helms. I wish I had taped it. There's so much on today. I wish I could tape it all. Friday, November 30, 2001
ooh, anthony's mean! not really mean, but... oooh. tricky. or something. where is this going? why am i so weird?
Edelweiss, Edelweiss Every morning you greet me Small and white, clean and bright You look happy to meet me Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Maybe I am sad. today after school, i was all alone except for the one or two random people who joined me for brief intervals, namely the security guard, jae, and for about twenty seconds shannon and lily. later on i was saved by marisa, but she had to leave me, too. finally, esther showed up, followed quickly by emily, and that was nice. then zoe showed up, too, and i hung out with them till i had to go myself. but i still felt disconnected. from everyone. since class meeting, perhaps, till after four o'clock. until now, for that matter. i even called roach, because she told me to and i knew she wouldn't think i would. so, of course, she wasn't home. oh, well. i have the little austrian children and frauline maria... so long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, the sun has gone to bed and so must i...
Now I�m crying again, because of Sound of Music. What�s wrong? Are my hormones being weird? Last time that was my explanation� well, that was ninth grade and things were weird. So what is this? Depression? There�s been a lot of that this week, but these tears aren�t sad, actually. They�re movie tears, you know? And they�re cleansing. Feeling them run down my cheeks, feeling the scratchiness on my eyelashes, just crying� feels good. The music is so beautiful. If the commercials weren't there, i'd be so in love. with what, i'm not sure. austria? who knows. but it's a wonderful movie.
dude. i never realized the oldest boy sings higher than pretty much all the other kids. he has La. it's almost frightening.
what shall i do this weekend? i kind of had an idea to just sit around in my room, but my father keeps suggesting i have plans. my mom does this a lot, too. i think they're worried i have no social life. or that i'm depressed, but i don't think dad thinks like that. i could maybe go to jeff's party. that'd be interesting. but that's only a few hours, and still leaves... many, many days. Oh, well. i'll read or do homework or just, you know, sit around.
the other day, when my father picked me up from school, he started driving away from the parking lot and suddenly let out a gasp. for a worried moment i thought we had hit something small or run over something, or he had forgotten something really important. i asked what was wrong. he told me nothing, his back and neck just went out that day at work, and he couldn't move his head any higher than it was then, which was slightly bent forward, without severe pain. he drove me home, having trouble every time he had to make a turn and look over his shoulder. even now, a day or so later, he can't move it. i feel so bad. my poor papa. he cringes when he moves, can barely sit or lie down, and there's nothing doctors can do until it just wears off. poor daddy.
Mr. Pait asked me if i had blogged today, since i was banging my head on his door in an attempt to relieve my boredom. I'm here at school for at least another hour, with nothing to do. i could download AIM, but i don't know... hehe, and if paitroy does ever read this, i supposed i shouldn't mention that i do such terrible, awful things such as downloading programs. :) Thursday, November 29, 2001
i want to cry. because of the end of this movie, and... other stuff. it suddenly feels like i've got a hole in my heart. i can almost feel oxygen and blood falling out. it hurts a little. wow. problems.
I'm gonna be a movie star And I'm gonna learn to drive a car Gonna be a veterinarian too And I'm gonna always love you. I'll be the cutest model you ever saw (Ma ma da da boop boop sha wah wah Well, I'm gonna be a singer, whoa whoa whoa! Gonna climb the Matterhorn what a great song...
i'm going to do significantly horrid on a physics test today. i don't know any of the information, and couldn't concentrate to study. i'm going to study at free, though, and he's actually putting the formulas on the test, but still. i'm going to do really badly. sigh. my grades first quarter were actually ok. now i'm getting Cs on all my tests. what happened? i'm not getting into college... Wednesday, November 28, 2001
oooh! thanks, esther! the stuff on the cartoon page, you mean? when i look at it at school, it's just jumbled letters and stuff. maybe because i don't have that font downloaded. it's korean? cool.
In English today, I posed a question to the teacher and the class, just a philosophical, that I had discussed with Malcolm But I don't want to go into that right now. When I asked that question, her answer was this: There are things G-d does that we can�t understand. She tried to say that yes, he could create a boulder like that, but then after he created it, he could change it so that he could lift it. I argued that that therefore meant he didn�t create something he couldn�t lift, but she wouldn�t hear it. And she kept just saying that G-d does things that people don�t understand. That they always ask about, but just can�t be explained. And I realized something. What she�s really believes is that G-d can do anything, and that�s that. We shouldn�t ask, we shouldn�t question, we should just accept. Which I just can�t do. That seems so ignorant to me, so blindly faithful, I just can�t do it. Some of those faith things, I just can�t deal with� On a side note, I had a lovely conversation with my English teacher about the question. She understood the paradox, and appreciated it. She�s awesome. Her, Natalie, and Gabrielle (though she sits so far away) are the best parts of that class. And arguing with Jae, but she never hears the arguments, she just knows she�s right. Sigh.
Donlee, go away. i can't take it. The stupid boy is asking me to invite him to semi-formal. it doesn't work that way. and all of those previous comments were kaelan. but now i'm me again. i think.
Hi, my name is Annalee. Except not... My lip is swollen because I kept biting it last night. I have no idea why anyone would /want/ to do that when my braces do that all the time by themselves, but okay... yay. Tuesday, November 27, 2001
my lip is all swollen now. it doesn't hurt or anything, but it's big and feels weird. funny. i wonder if other people can see that my lip looks weird.
started the morning with Roach playing "Say a Little Prayer for You" in advisory. now it's the end of the day, and it's being sung quietly as a lullaby on Queer As Folk. i think that makes a good day.
things just went crash. and i don't mean in the movie. it's not terrible, though. just a little crash.
No contest, the best scene in Almost Famous is Tiny Dancer, in the bus. It�s perfect. All of them, held together, by their music and love and friendship/family and everything. It�s beautiful. �I have to go home.� �You are home.� And then, because it�s superb, it�s perfect, it�s followed by this: And then it gets sad, when he lets the Band Aids go in the poker game. How nobody wants to say goodbye. And when William gets mad at her for saying what she says. There is no Morocco. And her single tear. It's all so beautiful.
the three below quotes are from Almost Famous. and there are a million more. it's a beautiful movie.
"there it is. your sister used the f-word." "I think she said feck." "what's the difference?" "the letter U", he says, pointing in the air.
i can't stop chewing on it, though. and it's going to keep bleeding. it doesn't hurt, the chewing. the headache does, but not the chewing. but i really should stop.
I�m chewing on my gums, biting my lower lip, because I like the taste of blood. I should probably stop, since I�m going to have terrible canker sores tomorrow, and besides, sucking the blood from one side of my lip is giving me a headache.
So� wow. Things have changed so much in a year or so. Nothing turned out like I thought it would, but it�s all good. How interesting. Now this� this could be a movie. Hell, it probably is a movie�
the scar on my hand has a happy face and looks like a little man. I'll fly away, oh lord, i'll fly away...
ah yes. in alliance, we tried to figure out what we were going to do for an assembly, if we get one. our basic plan, if i remember correctly, was to open with two people on either sides of the stage. and one would read things like "God hates fags" and other hateful messages, and after each one, the person on the other side would counter with facts, historic events, famous people, basic positive things. i was thinking, but i don't know if it will work, that after a few, we could move from general facts to personal marlborough experiences. either way, it would be a good way to get their attention. after that, we had an idea for a montage of video clips and things. it would be various movies and tv shows with gay themes, documentaries, things like that mixed in with interviews with Marlborough students, answering questions we asked about homophobia, gay people, just general Alliance stuff. then we had an idea for the last 15 minutes or so. we were thinking of putting tape under around 52 of the chairs, and asking everyone with tape to stand up. then we'd show the school what percentage were not straight, you know? (around 10%, though some people have said that it's really more than that) then, if they laughed or felt uncomfortable or whatever, we'd draw attention to why they felt that way. so yeah. dear anonymous guestbook signer, that's what we did in Alliance. hopefully we'll get an assembly, and hopefully we'll make it work. why weren't you there??
i think semi-formal's coming together, though. a good note. if we don't spend too much and still manage to get everything we want, it could be fantastic. I'll see you all this coming fall in the big rock candy mountain...
i'm a strange place at the moment. i don't know why. or maybe i do. i feel removed from my friends again. i think a lot of them are disappointed in me. and even those that don't know why they should be disappointed in me... i think they think poorly of me. or they're mad at me. i just feel like shit. that, and my stomach hurt like a bitch and now i feel ill and too hot and sad. and i don't know. but at least Down from the Mountain is good... Monday, November 26, 2001
ok, so today i was supposed to get picked up at 4:30, after doing homework and hanging out in the gallery or something. for the first time in three months, i was going to get off school at a normal time and actually have time for homework. instead (after talking to jeesh and mr. bruneau about vagimagination, a phrase mr. b made up himself), i was pulled aside by the dance teacher, asked to meet with her and a choreographer after school. so while i did that, i was pulled aside by mr. q, and told to tape the dance studio to match the stage (which trust me, isn't fun). since they were dancing in there, i couldn't tape it down at the time, so he told me to just make flyers for a Guild Meeting later this week, and get someone to help me with it at a later date. so i had to make many many flyers, and then i had to meet with Mr. Pait and the choreographer again, and we started talk about what i was going to do. which frightened me. then natalie found me, and we had to go over some final things for semi-formal. ok, not final things. the millions of things which were either going wrong or behind schedule. so after that, i had to actually put up all the flyers i had made, and by the time i was done, i had about fifteen minutes left. not enough time to do homework, so i just went to the computer lab and IMed Marisa, who was sitting right next to me. :) i won't have free time again until after February, i think. and with semi-formal and Alliance, it's going to be fun. oh, well. maybe my grades will come up again once i'm busy.
my father and brother are arguing right now on the issue of cloning human cells. my father and i have come to a conclusion, though, that would solve most of our problems: my brother needs to talk to the pope.
all right. another day, another dollar. except for, you know, that dollar part. so i guess it's just another day. in a seemingly endless stream of days, accomplishing very little, feeling useless and tired and unfullfilled. :) Happy Monday, everyone!! Sunday, November 25, 2001
"It's working, it's working!!!" And then later, "Yippeee!!!" and the entire audience goes "yippee" right along. :)
i just sneezed eight million times. ok, maybe not eight million, but many. i don't think it's allergies. i don't have allergies. i hope i'm not getting sick, though. damn. know what, though? i'm actually ending school before six this week... spooky.
Lelome nuve tafa... It's been quite a while since I've seen Phantom Menace. it's funny. by the by, i finished Fellowship of the Rings, and have since been seeing more previews and things for them ovie. I'm excited. And i'm starting The Two Towers as soon as possible. the title's kind of spooky, now, eh? or maybe it's just me...
my friends are such amazing writers. and they don't have to try. they write what's on their minds, and it's so beautiful i want to cry. i wish i had that talent. if i do want my words to sound good, i have to try. i have to stop and think about it. and i was the one who used to want to be a writer. they are such amazing people.
you know... my mother joked the other day about dating Mr. Dearborn. that disturbs me. not because it's Mr. Dearborn, but because it is my mother. sorry if this is disturbing to you, Rachel, but i needed to share...
three winter-y things i wanted to blog last night, but forgot: -It�s gotten to the season where we turn on the heater. This heater has been a large part of my life since I could walk around the house unaided. The heater is one of my favorite parts of the house, full of memory and overall comfort. As many of my friends have learned over the years, there are few things greater than standing in front of the heater on a cold day, feeling its warmth envelope you, sink into your skin and bones. I remember fighting with Jesse for space in front of it, his tall big brother body taking up everything except the few inches I�d sneak into, as I waited impatiently for him to find something else to do so I could have it all to myself. The heater is what makes winter winter, almost. It�s hard to explain. But it�s like our version of hot cocoa by the fire. We even have a fireplace, but the heater�s more convenient and just more� us. I don�t know. But it was on today, and I suddenly realized it�s winter. -�Brrr�,� he said, and she believed him� -I am wearing sweatpants and two sweatshirts. On my bed are my normal sheets and blankets, and an extra down blanket. The miniature heater in my room is on. I�m such a California kid. It�s what, sixty degrees? I�m freezing. Thank you, Blogger.
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