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Saturday, December 22, 2001
I had almost forgotten it. It was almost no more than the briefest memory, but now Mom and Mary-Beth�s quiet murmurs from in the kitchen reminded me. Funny how that works. Completely unrelated to what they�re talking about, I�m sure, and I doubt they�re even trying to be quiet. But still, it made me remember. And in some strange way, I�m glad I remember. Because I need to not forget. My parents used to murmur like that, early in the mornings, trying not to let us here. They thought I was asleep, of course. They always thought I slept as late as I could, never realizing that for years after I developed an inner alarm clock, they still made fun of me for sleeping in. But they used to talk quietly at the kitchen table, thinking I was asleep. Sometimes there voices would rise higher, if the arguments got worse, but never loud enough that I could hear what they were saying. But I knew what it was. Since I was ten or eleven, I knew they were talking about getting a divorce. They tried so hard, those mornings, to talk low and be quiet. But that was worse, knowing they were talking but not knowing what they were talking about. So many mornings, for so many years. They would have gotten divorced a lot sooner, when I was in 5th grade or so, but we didn�t have the money. They couldn�t afford it. But they had stopped sleeping in the same bed, stopped sleeping in the same room. I barely remember when that happened. I remember going to sleep with them when I was really little, climbing up there in my pajamas and climbing into bed with them, when I was scared or lonely. Well, I don�t really remember why I did it. Just because I wanted to, I guess. But I can�t remember when that stopped. When Mom stopped sleeping in that room. She first said it was because my dad snored. And maybe that was the truth. But then things changed. You know, before then, I used to wake up really early in the mornings, and go into the TV room with Jesse to watch movies or cartoons before Dad �woke� us up to go to school. But then I guess real school started, elementary school and actual learning and homework, the stuff that makes us value sleep at least a little more, and I woke up later each morning, and began to wake up to the quiet murmurs of my parents, sitting at the kitchen table, arguing incoherently about all the things I never heard. It seems so long ago. Maybe it was. But I remember. Friday, December 21, 2001
why am i always so cold? oh wait, i know. because i don't move. i sit in front of my computer. so blood doesn't flow, and i don't warm up. i should work on that. but not right now.
there are few things in life that look more sad and pathetic than a wet cat. just thought i'd share that with you all. on a slightly different note, emily has the most adorable new cat. it's small and white, and kisses you if you ask it to (in english or in spanish). it will also chase/play with anything. bracelets, socks, your hand, anything. it's adorable. why does emily always have cute cats? why does emily always have new cats? oh yeah. because she's emily. :)
Ru Paul is actually a really great writer. he's funny, and really interesting. i suppose it goes without saying that his life is going to be interesting, but the fact that he is also really good at writing is new to me. i'm interested in reading his books, just because i like his style of reading. that and he's a really cool person. (and I loved him in But I'm a Cheerleader) so yeah. an example of his writing: "4:pm ) a sesame seed bagel triple toasted with cream cheese. no coffee cause i�m off the stuff right now. had a 35 minute conversation with a 22 y/ o krishna monk on 34 street. he was very hot. he said his name was �go paul�, i told him my name was rupaul. he reminded me that God walked with me, so i gave him five dollars." Thursday, December 20, 2001
i love rain and hail and especially lightning. i don't like cold as much, but i love the weather, the force and power and beauty of nature at her crudest and most bare and... well, powerful. it's so raw, so real, so awakening sometimes. either flashes of lighting like a camera, that illuminate the entire sky for a brief second so you can see everything, or the movie lightning, the long thin shards of electricty that spike into the groud, both followed by the loud rumbling earth cry of thunder, which just seems to clear the world up. i love it all.
i love those people. i can't explain how right i feel there, how much i love their whole world. i love hearing the stories, even if they are sad, and learning new things, and talking about what's going on with me, even though i do get incredibly shy and feel like i barely say what's really going on. and then sometimes i can't actually think of what's going on. but still, the people are so great, and everyone's so different, but all such good people. i wish everyone could know what a group like that is like. some of those people i admire so much, and almost every one of them, i'd like to get to know better, to both know more about their lives and what it must have been like to grow up as them, and to just be friends with them. that would make me so happy, to be friends with them. not just people i see at MI, but people i can IM or call or hang out with or whatever. hehe, IM the MI peeps... hehe. but yeah. i love that whole entire... well, community, i suppose.
today has been a good day. hopefully, tomorrow will continue to be. and hopefully break will last forever. by the way, from the Breast Cancer Site, you can also click on the Rainforest Site and the Hunger Site. do it, it's really quick and easy.
The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site & click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate a mammogram in exchange for advertising. Please do what you can to help! Wednesday, December 19, 2001
today was a good day, too. i barely did any work in any of my classes, and it was nice. then, after school, i went to larchmont with esther, which was lovely. i even got to drop in to say hi to emily at work. then, on the way back, we saw a man with a guitar. we wanted to follow him and have him play, but i know i was a bit nervous, and esther's always shy. :) but finally we did catch up to him, and as he got out of the way to let us pass, we merely asked him to play for us. and he did. so we walked along with the bearded, hippy-like guitar-playing man, hearing him pick the strings and sing in quite a good voice, really. it was great. we finally had to part ways, and we found out his name was Russell, and we introduced ourselves and left. it was nice. then i helped kaelan with her dance video, which was a lot a lot of fun, really. and since then i've been online, doing un-work that is work but isn't due any time soon and is actually fun. and i feel all right.
it's been a good day. the physics test didn't go so bad, the meeting at lunch was good, homework was light and i actually finished my Paradise Lost essay, my geurin scholars final draft (though it's not as great as i'd like it to be), and even worked on that stupid college counselor survey thing. and Talking With was great. everyone was so good. zoe's opened it, and it was really funny, and really true, and i could see parts of zoe in it... it's hard to explain. and natalie's was hilarious, but also surprisingly sad. or maybe not so surprisingly. and julie howard was her hilarious self (and the cat was adorable!). and julia gz... she almost made me cry. that was intense, and incredible. and shira's was... endearing. and emi's was... personal. and hana's was funny. and there were others. it was just generally good. i approve. and then i watched Osmosis Jones with my family, which is a really funny movie, actually. so that was nice. and now i'm online, talking to Esther, and all is well. :) and natalie liked her CD, and school's almost out, and it's good. and i'm going to go to sleep soon, i swear. :) love to all. Monday, December 17, 2001
oh, a quick note before i go. in addition to the CD, i finished a poem tonight, which is semi-all right. it could definitely use toning, but i finished the idea of it, and it's pretty decent, if you know the tune in my head. tomorrow, i vow that i will hear esther say "grr". but now i really am going to sleep. i hope.
i finished the cd, and burned it, and everything. my burner is really superfast, and i love it! and my printer is also really superfast, and i love it!!! and it prints great color and stuff. and i used it to make a cover and all the stuff for the CD. i'm so excited! and i still haven't studied. and i'm not going to. i think, in fact, i'm going to go to sleep now-ish. yes, it's before ten at night, but i'm bored and want to feel rested tomorrow and stuff, in hopes that that might actually make things a bit more bearable. just keep telling myself, the week's almost over, the week's almost over... and then it's winter break!! so for now, my friends, i'm off to sleep. goodnight!!
i haven't opened my backpack yet. i have a physics test tomorrow, that's my only homework, and i really should study, but i have absolutely no motivation. i keep thinking i can just study at free. which is true. but still, i should at least read over the chapters. fuck it.
i've got lots of kara's flowers/maroon, but i can't find Best of All Possible Worlds, which bothers me, because i need that for a CD I've been working on for a long time. it's the only song i have left...
i have a printer and a cd burner! and they both work! yay!! of course, i haven't used either yet, but i'm going to. i probably should study for my physics test, too, since i have it tomorrow and it's the only homework i have, but i'm donwloading music...
will someone tell me why i'm up at 2:15 in the morning, doing laundry??? my mother didn't even ask me to. i just knew that i had no clothing left to wear, and that's a bad thing. i'm tired. but i'm talking to esther and rage, so all is well. :) Sunday, December 16, 2001
i just went back and corrected my posts, because i keep spelling sKrumbis's name wrong. i've done that for years. i know it's wrong, but it looks better spelled scrumbis, doesn't it?
it still doesn't seem like sunday. maybe because i didn't switch houses, and maybe because i finished my homework early, and such. but it just doesn't seem like i have to wake up tomorrow and put on my uniform and do work. and i even have a test on monday. tomorrow. monday is tomorrow. must remind self. oh, and a quick note. the other reason i'm eating ice cream is because it tastes really, really good.
i'm sitting here, freezing my ass off, and i'm the dumbest person ever. why oh why am i eating ice cream?? oh, yeah, i remember. so i can stay up and talk online.
i was going to write about the Ladies, Lights and Latkes thing i was forced to go to tonight. Now I remember. i was the only one under 30 for the 8th million times. this things... grr. i like the jewish part of it, and the singing and stuff, but it's a bunch of old Jewish women. and i have to slap on the smile and say the cute things and be the token child/teenager thing. for the older people, grandparents and greatgrandparents, i am the child, the example of the new generation, and say little cute things. to the mothers, i'm what their small children will turn into in a few years, and i represent the transition from their children into adults. i talk about my accomplishments at school, all the nice things they want to hear. it comes so easily, too. weird.
not quite sure why i suddenly had the urge to torture myself. it's been a nice day, and x-files was cool, and i'm being all productive and doing my laundry. and i'm not in a bad mood. i'm just torturing myself. :) but it's not so bad. i'm going over old things. nostalgia. reading recent old mail that i've read about twenty million times since i've gotten it, which is both one of the greatest and most painful e-mails i've gotten, and then reading over old IM convos. it's so interesting to do that. some of them... wow. it's just so weird.
i just went to the movies with hannah, julia, and brittani. we were supposed to see Donnie Darko for our film class, because we might get Jake Gyllenhaal to come to class. however, when we got to the theater where it was playing last week, we found out it wasn't there. which means our teacher might kill us, and we'll feel bad anyway, because we really did want to see it. but we did end up seeing Royal Tenenbaums, which was really, really good. I laughed, i cried, i did all that cliched stuff you do at a good movie. It was a lot like Rushmore, but also really different. And you really liked the characters, all of them. I really wanted to be like Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow). She was my favorite, i think. The movie was triggery, though. when they showed the scars from a suicide attempt. I almost passed out, or screamed, or cried, or something. It was intense. But the movie was good for so many reasons. And the thing is, i can't name any of them now. But I liked it, and i think you should all see it. Of course, you might not like it as much as i did, but still, i think you should see it. Thank you, Blogger.
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