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Saturday, January 19, 2002
i didn't play Sims, even with all my new cheats. i studied. i read the entire second packet, and may even go on to the third as i head to bed tonight. or maybe i won't. but i made myself a lunch for tomorrow so i can study instead of go driving somewhere. yes, i'm that committed to actually studying this time. i'm going to study at my break from the YLP meeting. i'm glad i'm going, though. it's a needed break, and i had forgotten how long it had been since i had seen those people, and how much i missed them, until i went to the racial group meeting. hmm... know what, though? if it's taking me almost the entire weekend to study for history (minus sometime after the meeting tomorrow and sometime early morning on monday to study spanish and other stuff), how badly am i going to do on everything else, for which i'll only have one full day each? oh, well. i can do it! they're different, it's not like history. i can do it!
i'm such a good studier, that i now have an intense urge to go play Sims. god, i'm horrible. but i won't, i'll study and do all that. i promise.
i thought maybe i could have read that whole thing in 6 hours or so, straight. i forgot i can't sit and read anything for six hours straight, unless it's really good fiction, and this is neither fiction nor remotely "good." so, if i do finish it, it will undoubtedly take me many hours, long into the night, especially if i take the amount and length of breaks i am taking now. then again, if i don't, i won't be able to open my eyes without tears, nor move my neck. so i'm going to be up for a while. how i can bear this infinite amount of boring and, in reality, useless material is beyond me. unless, of course, i give up, like i usually pretty much do, and will most likely do today. i'll get pretty far, and decide that i know the rest fairly enough or will study more on monday. and then i will stop studying as diligently (and i use that word lightly) as i have been so far, and come tuesday and the exam and i will realize i spent all my energy on all of the wrong stuff and will have to bullshit answers for everything else, coming up with a grade much lower than i could have achieved. or i will just, you know, not, and get a bad grade, and be done with it. in the end, it doesn't matter as much as it does now. which sucks, because it is a big deal. that didn't make any sense, but i know what i mean. now... i should get back to the stupid packet. but i really don't want to. i will later.
Ok, a little while ago, they used to have lots of these little radio infomercials for a book or tapes or something that would help you learn to read faster, and to remember everything you read. How totally could I use that right now? Oh! Ok, so I�m totally adding that to my list of things I want for my birthday. And I�m so completely serious.
ok, since you've been asking and i never knew before (and because it just came to me while i was studying, and i needed an excuse to take a break), here it is. Birthday present wishlist: - Bed buddy! (it�s this almost sock thing filled with a rice-like substace, that you can heat up to be a soothing muscle pad thing. Does that make sense? Well, Zoe knows what I mean!) - mostly just because my neck hurts right now, though that's all for now. and i like surprise things that people just thought were cool just as much as stuff like this. and usually i don't do stuff like this, like ask for specific things, but i know it bugs people when i keep saying, i dunno, so yeah. here. now i go back to studying, because it's been two hours straight and i'm not done with the first third yet. oh, well, i have all day, huh?
Witness I'm standing outside your window, baby You come around here, Your wishes won't be coming true this year You come around here, Now sticks and stones, baby, break your bones You come around here, You sure know how to pick them, huh?
yes, i should be studying. i will, in a minute. all day, yes yes, i swear. fuck. i think, for today, i'm just going to read through all three of those packages Braveman gave us. think that's insane? yeah, well, what are my other options? hopefully on monday i can still get some sort of study group together, if just me and shannon. Friday, January 18, 2002
school was uneventful and icky. afterwards, though, i had the most fabulous time, even if i was a bit spacy. my friends are amazing, and lovely, and funny, and i love each and everyone one of them so so so so much. i liked cuddling and talking and joking and singing and johnny rocketing and remembering and so many more things. thank you guys so so much. it was good. I imagine, though, that on the days of my darker moods, i'll just listen to track one on repeat. seems to fit my self. no, though, i'm very tired, so i'm off to a pleasantly content sleep. pity i have to wake up to studying hell, though...
i don't want to be here. at all. i want attention. i want to be left alone. i want to be noticed, and i don't want anyone to care. fuck it all, i want to go home.
Truths "That sleeping can be a form of emotional escape and can with substancial effort be abused. That purposeful sleep-deprivation can also be an abusable escape. That having sex with someone you do not care for feels lonelier than not having sex in the first place, afterward." -Quotez, which is pronounced quote-ez. Thursday, January 17, 2002
i had a sudden desire to peel off a lot of glue. i mean, it's always fun, but i really had a desire to do it. so right now, i'm typing with only my right hand, because my left is covered in glue. *grin*
"Changes can come from the power of many, but only when the many come together to form that which is invincible... The Power of One." ~ The Power of One
Roach, thanks so much for the CD. it really does rock. side note: having to go to history at lunch sucks for one's birthday, but at least raya, mollie and shannon were there to make it more bearable. my class is actually pretty funny in general, really. though i wish i knew what ray and shannon were writing to each other during the actual class. but it's ok, the day is over, and i have had my last physics and history classes of the semester. though i am seriously fucked for the finals. oh, well! :)
i don't feel much older. i don't feel much specialer. i hope people liked the cupcakes, and i appreciated Paitroy making me cake. :) that was unexpected. and Matty's gift was cool. but other than that... i was expecting some sort of breakfast or something from my mom, just because it's both Jesse's and my birthday, and i believe she would have, but i slept in. i wanted to leave at 7:20 to have time to pick up cupcakes, but i didn't wake up till 7:18. of course, because i rock, i still managed to be completely dressed and ready by 7:20, but i had to wait for my mother, and anyway, it was too late for breakfast. but that's all right, it's my fault, and at this point, sleep is pretty much just as good as breakfast. i slept a lot last night. of course, that leads to my second misfortune. i slept a lot and it was nice, but apparently i slept wrong and now i can't move my neck without severe pain. but it's ok, really. because it's my birthday. people hug me and say nice things and molly n even gave me a birthday cookie, and my advisory sang to me, and it's all been nice. and amber remembered, and wished me a happy birthday last night. it was nice. it's a happy day, even if i complain a lot. hehe, my mother didn't say anything this morning, though. she drove me to pick up cupcakes and things, but she didn't say Happy Birthday. and she asked again if i had rehearsal today, and when i said no, she happily told me that that means i can study tonight. thanks, mom. :) oh, well. it's all good... Wednesday, January 16, 2002
aww, it's downloaded. wow. he made it real. that's so cool. i think... i'll make a cd, when i download more.
i'm thinking of actually going to bed before midnight. there are people out there who do that, who do things like sleep at 11, and don't wait up so they can be online at midnight. so we'll see.
So far, Matty has gotten me the best gift (but it being the first, it's not so hard). He made Cranberry Spice into a song! And it's the first one he put back up vocals to. I'm so excited!! it's almost 20% downloaded, and i feel so special!!!
Golden Girls (I think) Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him [In the morning Dorothy comes home, wearing an evening dress] Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother; she suffered a slight stroke a few Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother, she survived a slight stroke, That is all. For now. Funny funny funny...
when i was 7 we went for a picnic up to a magic foresty place. i knew there were tigers behind every boulder, though i didn't meet one face to face. when i was older leila sent that to zoe once upon a time. it like it.
i think... i think i love Marlborough, but hate school. maybe the other way around, but i don't think so.
"Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man?" -Bill Hicks what an interesting point. never even thought of it... Tuesday, January 15, 2002
Today has been a long day. But it�s been a good one. I was at school for so long, it doesn�t seem like the assembly was today; it seems like it was days or weeks ago. But it went pretty well, except for a few little hitches that not a single person who wasn�t me noticed. I guess, when I put as much work into something as I did this (which I don�t think I�ve done before), I get somewhat anal and perfectionist-y. But it was good, and people appeared to like it. I�m proud of my work. And everyone�s work, because even if it didn�t seem like it to me, people did put thought, time, and work into the entire thing. Good work, overall. I just wish (and maybe it�s just the Power of One and stuff talking) that I could do more. Oh, well. I have time. The rest of the day was a blur, and so was what came before then. I haven�t paid much (if any) attention to schoolwork since we got back from break. So yeah, who cares. But then, after a rehearsal where I actually got a few things done (if not quite so much as Raya, who is incredible. A bit psychotic, perhaps, when she�s in the mood to organize, but incredible), and going out to dinner with people I absolutely adore, was my self-defense graduation. I did good, didn�t make any terrible mistakes, had a great time, and over-all kicked some ass. I felt really good about my fights, though I can�t really remember them at the moment. Nothing super-fun like the double-whammy or anything, but good, solid fighting, or at least I think so. Of course, I might just be the still present adrenaline rush, but I just feel good about it all. And then� gah. I think I�m in love. Ok, so I know I�m not in love, but god, I have a crush. Pity I will probably never see her again in my life. Maybe reason to become an Impact assistant, though. Hehe. Roach, shut up, even from your house I can hear you making fun of me. Jessica, too, if she ever reads this, thinks I�m the queen of dorks. But I don�t care. She was cute, and y�all know it. I was such a pussy, though, and I know it. And using the word pussy makes me seem like such a guy. But then again, if I were a guy, I wouldn�t really be a pussy, but the semantics don�t really matter. I was a pussy. Though I don�t really know what could have possibly have happened (she�s probably straight, and if not, probably dating someone or just too old for me or something), I still could have asked her how old she was, told her she did really good, and generally� hit on her, I guess. Hehe. Except, I don�t think I�ll ever have the courage to do that. And now I�ll never see her again. But I can daydream, anyway. Long enough entry for now, I guess. And I should really sleep soon, I haven�t gotten a decent night�s sleep in a long time. (and a side note. upon signing on now that it's too late to call anyone, i'm not sure if i have a ride to school.)
it is one thing that the idea of midterms and semester grades are, with all of the work i put into this assembly, unfathomable and impossible for my brain to register, i am finding it hard to think to tomorrow night even. tomorrow night at 8 o'clock, my self defense class will graduate. at the graduation ceremony, we will each give demonstrations of our skill. you should all come, it'll be fun. of course, in reality, i can't think about that. my back hurts, my eyes hurt, all that jazz. and i still have to glue two or three pictures in place. but then i will be done. for real. Monday, January 14, 2002
i'm so tired right now. and, looking back at my last entry, i want to make sure everyone knows, the day got progressively worse. but as always, there were good highlights, like dance rehearsal and having lisa and daisy over, and it's all right, in the end i survive. and i'm so tired right now, from making so many posters, and cutting and pasting and researching and working and thinking and my brain hurts and my eyes hurt and my back hurts and i'm tired, and i'm not done. they left a little over an hour ago, i think. they took all the hate crime posters, my favorite ones, and if they forget to bring them, i'm going to be really upset. and i have most of the stuff i want, i guess. wish i had more, as always, but what can you do. just be happy with what i have, i guess. but i'm so tired. so now that i've downloaded what i wanted, i'm going to print them out, cut and paste (if i have the energy) and go to sleep. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc..............
this morning is already so much better than last night. the script is done, and i'm happy with it. of course, i'm about to go to school, and i haven't thought for a moment about any classes or anything other than the meetings at lunch and things. but it's ok. with this assembly, though, and yesterday's YLP meeting, i'm in such a mood to change the world. i feel awful that i'm not doing anything, that i'm just sitting around, talking and educating, sure (or trying to educate), but not actually doing anything. oh, well. there is time. but today is a new day. and i do feel much better. i have very good friends, you know that?
i just started crying. i should stop thinking about suicide. happy thoughts. ok. *imagines esther laughing* hehe, ok. she doesn't laugh? did you realize that? but it's ok. she smiles good. :) Sunday, January 13, 2002
ok. other than one or two little powerpoint questions and last second additions, i think i have this script. i'm rather proud of all my work, actually. the only thing is, i wish i got credit for it. not a thanks or anything. as much as i complain, that's really not what i mean. i mean, actual credit. i wish i could get the equivalent of homework or something, in some class. but alas. well, maybe i can use it to make up for the YLP meeting i missed, hehe. or maybe i can just convince Dr. Bravemen. i bet it wouldn't be too hard. hehe, cool.
there are two things in my life right now over which, i have decided, i might take my life. one of them is 98% definite, if one thing happens, unless every other thing in my life is going perfectly well, which hasn't happened in a long time. the other only depends on how serious the consequences of my actions are. but i've thought so much about the other one. i couldn't live dealing with that. and everyone else would be disappointed in me anyway, and it would be better to be dead. but neither of them will happen for a while, so don't worry. for now i'm still working on the assembly. i got another e-mail, and semi-talked to corrine. i feel bad adding more stuff, since it might make it difficult for you, roach, but i have to add things that have been left out, since lisa sent me asian stuff. i'm tired.
Hey! Leia actually e-mailed me! the first person!! yay! and even without her, i think i actually pretty much got this whole thing done. it may not be what we wanted, and of course i'm going to add more, but i got a lot off stuff.
Is this a good way of saying this? Do you know how I can fix it? (Just e-mail me or leave it in my guestbook or something) As more immigrants come into our country, some people feel threatened that they will be displaced, that they will lose their economic and social status. They fear that the way of life they associate with being American will be changed for the worse. What we need to see is that the mixture of ethnicities, races and heritage doesn't diminish from what we think of as the United States, it only helps our country become stronger and richer. The rainbow of colors and cultures makes America beautiful.
oh, and another quick note. Roach is the only person i've gotten continuous help from, with webpages and information and things. i've gotten one or two links to webpages, but only from people i was talking to online, who read this. actually, just zoe and i think ingrid. there are entire sections without a single reading, fact, or quote. there's nothing like poetry or anything like that, either. maybe i should put the Ani quote in there somewhere, or something.
no one has sent me anything yet. no one. i don't know what i'm going to turn in on monday. i found a few little things, some hate crime statistics, i wrote something about prop 22, about muslims being attacked simply because they "look Arab", and an anti-semitic thing. i'm also bullshitting a little about how we all need to work together, etc. not only is it crap, it's empty. nothing on african americans, nothing on latinos, nothing on native americans, nothing on women, really nothing at all. maybe tomorrow. i'll just have to keep telling myself, maybe tomorrow. and if nothing else works, i'll just call corrine. on a happier note, i wrote my screenplay for film class today. it's only 6 pages, but the story is done, i guess. i can turn in a rough draft, see what she thinks. but i like it. i just need to film it someday. also, i managed to tape Common Ground. so yay to that. maybe a small second or two where the tape got messed up, but it's ok. that and it's on for the third time in twenty four hours in about ten minutes, so i'm guessing it won't be so hard to find it again if need be. there was something else, or maybe there wasn't. oh, yeah! "Moving to a golf course in Boca Raton is a lifestyle. Being gay is a life. Does a dog live the lifestyle of a dog? Or does he live a dog's life?" i like that quote. reminds me of something in Ms. Klein's room. you know, on that note, i can probably get a lot of info from her. she knows history, things like that. she's a smart person. if i can't get other people, i'll find her number. Thank you, Blogger.
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