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Saturday, January 26, 2002
Dear Mr. Vernon, We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever we did wrong. But we think you�re crazy to make us to write you an essay telling you who we think we are. But you see us as you want to see us. In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours,
�It�s unavoidable. It just happens." "What happens?" "When you grow up, your heart dies.� �Who cares?� �I care.�
�And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They�re quite aware Of what they�re going through�� David Bowie
it is interesting, though. hearing how much he believes it. and just all the stuff about going door to door and all. hehe. i haven't told him how completely i disagree with him yet. not even sure i will. i'm thinking of at least telling him i'm jewish, and maybe that i'm queer, but i'm not sure. not going to fight, though. maybe ask some harder to answer questions than so far, but maybe not. i'm just trying to learn, at the moment...
i did stop, and i managed to have a great time, of course. Groundlings was lots of fun, the whole thing was nice. just seeing friends is cool. and now i'm learning how to speed read! i've been reading that book for a few hours now, seriously. i told you i would. if that's not making sense: gabrielle, because she rocks, actually got me a speed reading book! (and some coloring books, which are not quite as cool, but still rock) and i've been reading it, trying to learn how to read real quick and make my environment conductive to learning. :) woohoo! i also got a little talking piano named Pete the Piano, which talks and teaches you to play songs, though while they're teaching you, you can press anything and it'll still play. it's for ages 18 months and up, so hopefully i can handle it. and yeah. cool stuff. Friday, January 25, 2002
fuck. everything's just falling apart. i'm falling apart. i know i'll have fun, it'll be ok anyway, i just wish everything i put into this wasn't such a disappointment. you know, i almost started crying in the car on the way home? but i don't cry in front of people, unless i just want them to notice. fuck. who do i blame for this? the answer's obvious, of course, but it's bothering me. ok. i'm going to stop. all of it.
A friend of mine wants me to spread the news: Oakwood has this annual AIDs benifit dance, 'the Glove Affair' [the 'Rubber Ball' in its first incarnation, but Buckley and some other schools deemed that moniker to suggestive]. The dance is Sat Feb 9 and we want people from other schools to come so I was wondering if you'd consider it. Also if you wanted to bring some friends, the more the marrier, or just to spread to word around Marborough. I have infor and sponsor sheets I can drop off. Its really cool, they completely transform the parking garage under our gym to a 'rave' type thing [not exactly my scene, but its nice nonetheless]. so yeah. tell me if you're interested. or something.
my life went rapidly downhill after getting out of brittany's car. it would have been perfect if i could have stayed there, you know that? listening to great big sea, hanging out with shannon and britt and megan and joyce and emily and corrina and jackie and jessica and a few other random people who are really fun. but i couldn't. and now i feel sick, my mother's upset (and rightly so), and i can't decide whether i want to cry or throw up. but for my mother, my friends, and myself, i'll cheer up. i'm done with finals, i'm having friends over, and it's a long weekend. it'd be easier if i could let it all out, either way, but for some reason i can't. hmm. okay. time to stop complaining. i'm going to take rachel's advice!! chin up, chin up, everybody loves a happy face, feel better already, right? :)
ok, so i just finished my spanish exam, and other than a few little parts where i blanked (like i expected) it was actually a lot better than i thought. which somewhat explains why i got out about 50 minutes early. oh, well. it was only supposed to be an hour and a half exam anyway. such are the joys of being in regular as opposed to smart-person language classes. so now i'm in the computer lab, blogging and playing tetris. whew. quite a load off my mind. still anxious, though, but that's about a lot of things.
that conversation... left me both happy and sad. but more sad, personally. happy for you, though. just... stupid personal thoughts.
i'm up too late, especially for these exams. and for tomorrow in general. i'm going to crash. and burn. i just had a disturbing vision of my arm. the brain is a strange thing, eh?
who sings that song, 'heaven'? the one that goes, y'all know the one i mean.
during and after my math exam today, i picked at my cuticles until they bled. most of my fingers are red and raw now, and a few of my nails broke. i have one bandaid where the nail is so short it hurts. all but three of my fingers are in small amounts of pain. i have such odd habits when i'm anxious. or bored. i'm thinking maybe it wasn't so smart. oh, well. too late now.
spanish is not something i can bullshit my way through, like i can the other exams. it's sad, really. i studied, i looked through my old tests and things. and some of it, i think i know. but deep down inside, i know that i'm not going to know any of the stuff on the exam. if i'm really lucky, they'll be some easy multiple choice or stuff i just remember from the past, but i'm going to do really poorly. and i really don't like that. in fact, i just don't feel too good at all right now. i am not happy. i am, in fact, rather sad. other than the three conversations i am having online right now, i'm not in a good place. but i'm listening to the Matchbox 20 cover of 'Time After Time', which is nice... Thursday, January 24, 2002
I was out of breath when I got into the TV room where my mother was sitting watching a repeat of ER. �Have you been exercising?� she asks me. She actually asked me if I took pills. What the fuck? If I actually had, which I don�t, what answer did she expect? Sometimes my mother confuses me. My room is clean, though, as are all of my clothes, which is good. I actually studied a while for English, which is something I NEVER do. Still don�t know how I�ll do, though. And I really need to study more for Spanish, but I�m not in the mood. Which means I�ll be lazy and not get around to it nearly as much as I should. And this class is actually something where the exam will really matter, possibly, because my grade, judging from previous tests, is wavering somewhere between a B- and a C. Oh, well. Maybe homework will get me enough points. But, no, i'm going to study. I actually have old tests in my hand, i'm looking them over. did you know the present subjunctive form of caber (Uds) is quepan? why? i have no clue. studying...
Esther the jester got me really cool pretty colored juggling balls for my birthday! you rock. :) and the card was the sweetest, funniest thing. :) yay! Wednesday, January 23, 2002
Jesse and Casey are killing rats in the backyard. Earlier, my mother was yelling at them for the way they were doing it. Even earlier, my mother was confused about why i thought they didn't get along. My house is so interesting sometimes...
i have realized i am taking these exams one day at a time. i take the test, i come home and study for tomorrow's. i don't even think about the one after tomorrow until tomorrow's is over. and so far it's working well.
from Danyel. actually, Danyel's grandfather: AS I'VE MATURED. I've learned that you cannot make I've learned that you can get by I've learned that you shouldn't I've learned that you can keep vomiting I've learned that we are responsible I've learned that regardless of I've learned that 99% of the time when I've learned that the people you care most I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't and on a slightly related note (though i don't know if it really is anymore, but in my head it will always be), today is kirsten's birthday, so happy birthday to her! now, back to... math? actually, nah. maybe tomorrow.
i should really study. or maybe just study tomorrow morning. :) hehe, but i won't do that. i'm going to be a better student than that. i will study tonight, and maybe even study more tomorrow. (yeah, right) it's so sad. if i did that, if i hunkered down to it like i did to history, i could do pretty well, i think. but as it is, i'm going to know some of it really well and bomb the rest. maybe be able to bullshit some, but with math that's a lot harder to do. so i'm screwed, all because i'm a lazy student and terrible procrastinator. oh, well. hey, maybe if i turn off my computer, it will get me to study and fix the stupid problems it's having...
my exam today wasn't terrible, though i could have done much better, especially if i had taken more time with the equations. it seems that if i have less than an entire weekend, i'm not going to be as motivated and stuff. example, it's 5:15 and i have another exam in 19 hours. have i started studying at all? i'll give you two guesses, and the answer isn't yes. someone explain calculus to me. also, tell me which poets fall under which categories? hrm... Tuesday, January 22, 2002
at this precise moment in time, i wish i knew my friends better. and i wish i could communicate with them better. and more. maybe that's it. it's been a theme a lot, i know i've blogged it before. i just miss people.
my brother hates "stupid gender roles". i was reading over his shoulder while he was online (terrible, i know, but educational) and he said that. it was really interesting. my brother's kinda weird like that. he's 21, but doesn't drink. he doesn't want to leave home, ever, pretty much. he doesn't date a lot, but from what i've gathered, he'd make a great boyfriend. he stays friends with the girls he dates. and he would treat girls nicely, because he's that kind of guy. my brother's cool. Casey called today, and i told him i didn't know where Jesse was. he teased me, saying i was lying. then i told him, i think he's out with a girl, because his friend Carlotta had come over and they were both missing. then Casey says, "now i really know you're lying. Jesse doesn't go out with girls. wait... was it his teacher?" it made me laugh. because it's true. he goes out with his old art teacher a lot. they see movies and stuff. my mother thought they might be dating, which would be really funny. but they're just friends. my brother... he's weird like that. but he's cool.
And with Hannah and Julia, I finally pretty much studied for physics today. Though I still don�t know the most recent stuff, because none of us had really taken notes on it. But Kiki�s notes really helped!! We procrastinated for the longest time, of course, but we finally settled down and went over the formulas, and old tests, which really really helped. Before we started, though, we went to school to pick up the workbook (which we never opened). We mostly went as further procrastination. On the way there, we went to Coffee Bean, where I learned that it�s either a really small world, or the entire world knows Matt and Julian. So we�re walking towards Coffee Bean, and I see Matt sitting outside at the tables. I wave, as and I see him, I see Mr. Bruneau sitting at the table next to him, with this woman I�ve seen around school and possibly heard sing. So we go up and say hi to Matt, because both Julia and I know him, and he calls Julian, who shows up later. While we�re waiting and playing cards, this girl comes behind us and taps Matt and says hello before going in to buy her coffee. Apparently they used to date. So then Matt goes inside to say hi to her, and the woman who was sitting next to Mr. B asks us, �what�s his name?� We tell her, Matt, and she asks for his last name. When he comes back out, she tells him that she knew him when he was a lot younger, that she had been in a play with his dad, and had eaten lunch and talked to him, and given him the book �From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler� (sp?). He remembers, tells her it�s his favorite book, and tells her about this play he�s doing with his dad, which apparently she knows all about. And they talk about all the people they both know, and then I find out that she and Julia had done a play over the summer once, too. Then Julian finally shows up to pick Matt up, and of course, me and Julia both know him, and yeah. Small world. And add to that everyone at Hami who knows Matt (because most of them do), and everyone at temple who knows him (and most of them do), and everyone at camp who knows Julian. It�s all very weird. But as they say� �It�s a small world after all��
I made a bed buddy! Ok, technically my mother made it, but it�s not my fault no one ever taught me how to sew. Roach�s mother inspired me. I used the cloth I had
the phone rang at 2:30 last night. it was a fax. so i didn't exactly get a decent amount of sleep, because that kept me up for quite a while. while i was awake, however, it suddenly came to me. it's the Ming dynasty. *grin* also, i think my dream shows how ready i am to be done with school. it's one of those dreams that means something, i'm sure. i dreamed we were rehearsing for graduation. kind of weird. but ms. wagner was talking about how it would be bad getting flowers in our colors, and she was trying to figure out what to do. we all knew we should just get a hibiscus and bird of paradise, but she couldn't think of it. and for some reason, Kat kept saying we should obviously get something in baby blue. it was very weird. but funny, that i was in the hallway upstairs waiting to walk down, and then down on the field. weird. then there was a second half, after the phone call, but now i don't remember. and now my neck hurts, so much more than it did last week. last week, it was just a really sore muscle. now, it's my entire neck. i think it's cramped or something. but if i move it at all... well, i just can't. not any direction, without feeling it pulled. owie! now... am i ready for my exam? only one way to find out... Monday, January 21, 2002
ok, i'm not going to study anymore tonight, and there's no use staying up, since i'm only trying to put it off. of course, for me, that's really reason enough to stay awake later. but as it is, i should try to get sleep so i can study some tomorrow, since i'm not doing any more tonight. as many of my friends have said, it's out of my hands now. i'll do what i can, and that's all. so goodnight, everyone. wish me luck, friends, as i wish good luck to all of my friends also taking exams this week...
Zhou Qin Han big break with lots of random stuff but no real dynasty empire thing Sui Tang Song some mongol dudes then... um... SHIT!!!
hmm. talking to esther, and thinking about ylp, and the documents open on my computer and stuff, i got to thinking (logically) about camp. i went over my old journal entries and stuff, and just remembered. stuff i had almost forgotten. not that i could ever really forget most of that, but just... really remembering. the stuff we did, and the people, especially. people i don't still see at YLP, people in my cabin and my dialogue group and just around. the things we did. the stuff i cried about, stuff i had almost not wanted to remember, because it was so hard. it's sort of like... now that i see some of them all the time at ylp, i don't see them as so much different. which is good, of course, because that's how it's supposed to be and all, but it's bad, too you know? because i don't stop and think about where they come from and what they've gone through. everyone had such amazing stories... and just remembering all the great stuff. the white group at the talent show. amy and tallie singing both hands. "we are white males and we like to beat it". josh at the last night of campfire. i can't wait to do campfire again. i can't wait to do all of it again. and then i got to reading about danny. all of our memories. i've only known him for the shortest time, and barely really saw him much, but he was like my big brother. we got along. even the first few times we met, we were close. it was good stuff. and... one thing that i wrote that describes it all really well: All the boys, and the girls, too. The hugs from people you barely knew, knowing that it was safe. Knowing all of those people, knowing that they all went through it too. And that now they were your friends. and yeah. it's true. and then i vowed to keep doing it. to be a yl, and keep trying to help. some of it sounds to cheesy, like saying i want to be a change agent. but just going about it half-assed is not what i want. to just say, it sucks that life is like that, and to just go to camp and see it all and talk and dialogue and all that, without actually doing anything. so yeah. that's my rant, for now. i shouldn't even be doing this, going on about camp instead of, you know, studying or whatever, but i'm a bad person. fuck it all.
i'm sitting on my bed, actually getting a lot of studying done for the short time period. and then my mother calls me into the kitchen, to empty the dishwasher and put away my dishes. i go in and start doing it, and she suggests i ask jesse to help, since he doesn't have finals and lives "in this house rent-free". i'm about to simply say, "Jesse doesn't do that stuff," just jokingly (though it's the truth, but that's just who he is), when she starts. "and the way he treated me this morning, he should help out more. i'm thinking of..." ever since i can remember, i've done little things to mediate between them. if jesse didn't do a chore mom told him to, i'd do it before she got mad and yelled, or if i really couldn't, i'd just remind him quickly before she got home or something. and if mom told me to tell him something, i'd always make it sound as sane and intelligent as i could (instead of the way she usually says thing). since i was young, i've been on my brother's side in arguments, defending him to my parents, and also correcting little things he messed up. and now finally the yelling has stopped. i don't know how it was solved, and don't really want to hear anything about it. jesse probably stormed into his room, mom probably stayed in the kitchen. they'll ignore it for a while, and that's fine, until the next time. whatever. i only came online because i couldn't study with my loud music blaring, and now i don't need it. so i'm going to go back to studying. Sunday, January 20, 2002
today is proof you can't have fun and study at the same time. or even the same day. it's one or the other. and today, i had fun. so naturally i didn't get a single piece of work done, other than barely going over the smallest part of history with a friend. but mostly i just talked and joked and roasted marshamallows with peanut butter and talked and joked some more, and looked over lots of old yearbooks. melissa warner was a theme, and all things related to her. but then again, things related to her are a common theme among my friends. wow, and now i'm tired and babbling, and i think i should get to bed now, because i know i'm not going to study anymore, so i might as well get a lot of sleep so i'll be refreshed for the ENDLESS studying i will do tomorrow. i should finish the third packet before going to raya's, but i know it will take me too long. but still, i'm going to try!! now i should sleep. i really should.
that was fun fun. ylp is always nice. i love those people. and know what? i'm a terrible person. i was going to study, i really was, i promise. but then i got to talking to chris, and it was really interesting. he's definitely not like anyone else i know. and i'm going to do research for my project thing, because i don't think Day of Silence would count (i wouldn't have a staff person), and because i'm really good at research stuff like that. i mean, hey, i already got a lot for the assembly. so it's all cool. and now, i should be studying on my own, but i'm waiting for jeesh to come over to study spanish with me. so no, i still haven't finished the third packet, but it's ok. i will do it. and everything will be ok. they're just midterms, they really don't affect my grade that much. right? Thank you, Blogger.
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