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Saturday, February 09, 2002
i searched on Google for "israeli summer camp dances", trying to find the name of a song, and i came up with this. how weird is that??
oh, by the way, i was on the phone last night till around 1:20 or so in the morning, talking to Jamice. it was nice. camp, and Candide, and Romeo & Juliet, and Ebonie, and dance, and my incredible crush, and a million other things. it was cool.
I think I discovered where all my confusion came from. In ninth grade, I struggled with my sexuality, and it came out in a tie. hehe, nevermind... Friday, February 08, 2002
No one needs to be consulted, Nothing needs to be discussed, They can't tell me what i have to do, What I mustn't or i must, My free will is not for the taking, I'd rather die standing Doesn't have to be a meeting, My teachers and my parents, I'd rather die standing I may make some bad choices, The way you can really help me, I'd rather die standing
hmm. must figure myself out. because at the moment, my head is in a weird place. i haven't realized that it's a weekend yet. i need to work on that...
*giggles* no, not seventh grader jade! though she is a very cute kid, too, this jade is cute in a very different way. and she graduated high school last year, so she's a bit older. :) i can't go to the party, though, which is sad, but it's all right, i didn't really expect that i could. but i still feel happy that she invited me. :)
AAAH! Jade called me (ok, paged, but still). If you don't know, Jade is the cutest, coolest girl in the world. She invited me to a party thing. And I just shrieked. Wow, something�s wrong with me. But with my homework done, and Thursday night TV was great, I guess the ickiness of the day has slowly faded away, and I feel lighter and happier. Yay. still busy as fuck, but i deal. besides, jade is adorable. ooh, and cecily requested my presence at the party of another friend of mine's this weekend, so i might make a cameo, if i can figure out a good time to go to the UCLA library around that. rawr. i'm only up this late because i just finished my homework, which is odd, because i'm usually done long before this. but i might be up a little later, just because... Thursday, February 07, 2002
I had forgotten that Mrs. Schleunes had called me last night about getting a camera from Ms. Cope. Even if I had remembered, I didn�t really have free time to do it. No, that�s a lie. I could�ve done it in the last minutes of lunch, instead of just going to eat with my friends. But I didn�t, and neither of us realized until right before we were going to film Katie�s piece. So she got mad, and pulled the guilt trip on me, saying �I thought we had decided to do this today� and all this stupid crap. So I ran upstairs, hoping Ms. Cope was still there, or the camera was somewhere where I could get it. She wasn�t, and it wasn�t. So, of course, I fall apart. I always become a stupid mess the last few weeks, especially if I have a lot to do and it�s done poorly. I started crying, and thought about just not coming back down, staying upstairs in Ms. Cope�s room or hiding out in the dressing room or something. Just not coming back for all of rehearsal and seeing what they would do. But there were dancers in the dressing room, so I was just stuck crying in the halls until Molly came out and realized I was trying to dry tears, and I just broke down again. The thing I hated worst of all was the fact that Della probably saw me crying, and probably realized how stupid I was being, and thought I can�t take the responsibility of this whole thing. And I felt stupid and weak, like I always do when I cry. So yeah. Not the most fun rehearsal I�ve had. Wednesday, February 06, 2002
ahora, necesito decribir mi mundo de fantasia y tus secretos cuando era nina. ay! hay muchos. y no quiero hacer nadie de la tarea.
I well remembered the words of my father: �I know that while you are pleased with yourself you will think of us with affection, and we shall hear regularly from you. You must pardon me if I regard any interruption in your correspondence as a proof that your other duties are equally neglected.� I knew well therefore what would be my father�s feelings but I could not tear my thoughts from my employment, loathsome in itself, but which had taken an irresistible hold of my imagination. I wished, as it were, to procrastinate all that related to my feelings of affection until the great object, which swallowed up every habit of my nature, should be completed. I then thought that my father would be unjust if he ascribed my neglect to vice or faultiness on my part, but I am now convinced that he was justified in conceiving that I should not be altogether free from blame. A human being in perfection ought always to preserve a calm and peaceful mind and never to allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquility. I do not think that the pursuit of knowledge is an exception to this rule. If the study to which you apply yourself has a tendency to weaken your affections and to destroy your taste for those simple pleasures in which no alloy can possibly mix, then that study is certainly unlawful, that is to say, not befitting the human mind. If this rule were always observed; if no man allowed any pursuit whatsoever to interfere with the tranquility of his domestic affections, Greece had not been enslaved, Caesar would have spared his country, America would have been discovered more gradually, and the empires of Mexico and Peru had not been destroyed. ~ Mary Shelley's Frankenstein sounds like my feelings towards the dance concert. hmm.
so i'm reading frankenstein and thinking of my spanish essay and generally doing homework, when i get a phone call. i figure it's toure or someone, but i pick up the phone, and... it's della. which is just plain weird. sigh. she wants me to film katie's video during all the free time i have at rehearsal tomorrow. sigh...
shoot me. i have to program the second third tomorrow, and the third third before friday. and we all saw how horribly i did on the first third today. and if you didn't see it, della sure did, and made sure to tell me. i'm not good at this. i never said i was. and i've never done this before. and everyone thinks i know the answers to their questions and things, but i don't. urg. i don't really dislike doing it (though i do dislike della), i just wish... they knew i was new at this, and stuff. sigh...
I had a really weird dream. It started out on Melrose, but older Melrose, from when I was little and went there a lot, mixed in with some other places. But I knew it well, all the stores and stuff. It was a lot cooler than it is now. I saw Matt Wolpe, and he was joking around, trying to sneak up on me from behind, I guess trying to test my self defense skills Anyway, the third time, he grabbed me from behind, and I grabbed his groin, and smacked him in the face, hard. He backed off, and I was in a weird haze, because he had sort of attacked me, but even then, I had just severely injured my friend. And he was really hurt and really mad. So he ran away, and I ran away. I don�t know why I couldn�t go home, or why my home changed, but it did. And anyways, I was suddenly on the run, because I knew I was in trouble since I had hurt him. Police had talked to me, and I was going to get it worse later, but I never got to that part. I had run away down this part of Melrose that was for kids without parents, sort of. Teenagers who lived in big groups, like the squatters of the promenade or something. And I saw Chandra and this group of kids, and one of them really looked like Patrisse, and I told her this, and she ran inside to go get Patrisse, because they were sisters. And I finally felt safer, because I knew her and she hugged me and stuff, because I was still scared of the police. The thing is, the other kids there were sort of friends of Matt, and were a little mad at me, I think, but they knew that technically he was attacking me, so it was just confusing. Anyway, all this stuff happened in this house I was hiding out in, only I�m not so sure what was going on, because there was this one really weird old guy, and they tried to explain who he was, but I just couldn�t understand. And finally I had to sneak out of the house because� well, just because. But the thing is, when we all got outside, we found out it was a set for a movie, but it was a real neighborhood, and my story was true, they were just� filming it. And soon, for some reason, I wasn�t running from the cops anymore, but I had made friends with this group of people. Like in Boys Don�t Cry. And we were all going to a party, driving there. And it was really far away. And I think Christian was my date or boyfriend or something. Which was nice, in a weird way. But to drive there, there were two people in the car with me, a girl driving (I don�t remember who) and a boy in the front seat, I think possibly Anthony, but I don�t know. Anyway, for reasons I don�t know if you want to hear, she drove us off the road, and we exited the freeway by just driving down a hill, and ended up on another road that, surprisingly, was a short-cut. So we got to the location of the party, which was this big, dusty, dirt-road area with a few big houses, sort of like a ghost town, but there were a bunch of teenagers around, and we just knew we were in the right place. We went inside the house, and there were lots more people, like hundreds. We soon found out that the entire ghost-town look had been created to make the party rave thing cooler, which we all thought was great. Anyway, we went inside to change clothing for some reason (and Chandra was wearing a dress, sort of as a joke, which was VERY weird, as you would know if you knew Chandra). By the time we had finished, everyone else had already left the house, and when we got outside, we saw that almost every single person had left. There was only our group, which was mostly kids from camp We were going to figure out what to do when suddenly one of the black boys took out a gun, turned around, and shot another kid in his group. Then someone from our group shot someone, and someone from their group shot someone in their group, and then someone in my group turned around and shot me in the head. And as soon as the bullet hit me, everything went black. I couldn�t hear or see or anything, but I could still think. When I tried to open my eyes, though, I couldn�t. It was black for a few seconds, and then I woke up. And when I did, I wondered, what if that�s what death is really like? Constant thought and wondering what�s going on, but the complete inability to open your eyes. It was so frustrating, knowing I was dead, knowing that I would feel so much better if I could see, and just not being able to. But it was an interesting dream, and I haven�t remembered one in such detail in a long time. but this one stuck with me all day. Tuesday, February 05, 2002
if you see me anywhere other than caswell or the college counseling offices at my frees tomorrow, yell at me. also, if you see me out of council meeting at lunch and anywhere other than caswell, yell at me. if you see me out of council meeting at break anywhere other than caswell, yell at me. can you tell where i'm going to be spending most of my time tomorrow? and now i gotta go fix my notes for the concert. maybe i can also finish my spanish and get started on the next homework assigment, though. that would seriously help the rest of the week. by the way, anyone wanna take another trip to the library anytime soon? i need to go, and it'd be more fun with more people, maybe. that and the fact that i still don't know how to actually /do/ anything there. *sigh* i have no time for social life. which is unfortunate, since i miss my friends terribly. though i don't know how they feel. i feel... like i'm disappearing or something. weird. anyway, i need to go write down specials, and call to make sure i have a ride tomorrow...
aaaaaaaaah. i got home so late last night. well, no, not really late at all. it was only 10. but i had so much homework, and i was just plain exhausted. (i think shannon's right, though, maybe the tiredness and stuff wasn't really the loss of blood, but just mental feelings about the loss of blood) so i got home, did english, did some spanish homework, and just fell asleep. so now i'm screwed, since i didn't touch my math homework and have this strange feeling i'm forgetting a lot of stuff. Monday, February 04, 2002
now i'm tired, and have so much school stuff and dance concert stuff and research paper stuff to remember. i don't like the school part of marlborough...
ooh, i want you, i don't know if i need you, but ooh i'm dying to find out... emily reminded me of that song friday at school. what great lyrics, eh? think about it... Sunday, February 03, 2002
That was� good. Very good. All the non-camp stuff, or maybe the �normal camp� stuff, was fabulous. The cup game (Ingrid, my cup game buddy), getting to know Cecily, the beagle, finally talking to Jade, getting asked to prom (*giggle*), being asked for my number, more cup game action, finally finding Chris, ice-breakers, Kaveh�s �carbon dating�, Marci�s wonder jacket, the gloves, the freezing weather, the dead bees (oh my god, it was gross), observing people, and so much more. And the camp stuff. The issues� were my �favorite� issues, as much as that can happen. And the heterosexism exercise� dropping hands and being left alone� was powerful. And even the last morning, what I thought would barely be anything, the communication styles, really being a lot. Patrisse� what a girl. Everyone� so much more than I would ever imagine. And no matter how annoying it gets, how everything seems like systematic, prepared answers, how it all becomes my personal phrase of the weekend, �touchy feely bullshit�, it still is so important. I love this stuff. Camp, and everything that means. I know to those who haven�t gone, it doesn�t make sense. And it�s probably becoming quite annoying. And it really does sound like brainwashing, the very thing I used to call it. But it honestly changed my life, and through YLP, continues to. And I love that. I need that. I need the continuous challenge to become, as stupid as it sounds, a change agent, no matter how uncomfortable I am. I need to embrace the white group, and learn to approach members of other groups, without being afraid of being hated. And so much more. I need to teach this stuff, to continue this process of improvement. And� grr. I wish I could explain, but I know I never could. And I wish everyone could go. And I wish I could see those friends everyday, and I wish they could meet all my friends, and everything could be as cool as that. I tried to get Patrisse�s strength through osmosis. Tried to finally approach and get to know Jade�s cuteness. I�m still rather intimidated by Beatriz, but that�s ok. I continue to get to know Christian. And I got to share with Cecily. To hear from Trinh. To have fun with Jason. To sit and talk to Ebonie. To listen and learn and watch so many people, about stuff that means so much, especially to me. And� aah. There�s so much more, but even this is so much more than I said I was going to write. I�m done now. Thank you, Blogger.
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