aaaaaaah. nothing to do. almost no one's online.

earlier, four people did IM me, but oddly enough, they were all guys. which is weird.

and now... i think i've killed the conversations. maybe i should just go to sleep. and to dream.

no one's here. was improv fun? why is no one online at one in the morning anymore? i remember when i could find tons of people up this late, people on the opposite coast or in england or anywhere, people who didn't sleep much either. or just marlborough friends, still doing homework, or just being like the loser i am, and having nothing better to do on a friday night. and probably tomorrow night, too.

but you know, if i get lonely or sad or whatever, i can call brittfoot or shannon, right? that's what they said. and she'd drive out here. ha. right. even if she would, which is doubtful in the first place, i wouldn't do that. it's almost a joke.

i guess i should sleep. it was good tv, and now i'm in a... funny mood, but i'm going to sleep it off, which is probably healthy. *giggles*

i hope you're all sleeping well already.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 1:15 AM

this is... funny, almost. both of these girls are so cute (though i like the brunette better, she has this really cute smile), yet... so the opposite of cute. it's... insanely incredible. so of course, i feel horrible for watching.

but fuck... that's hot.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 12:55 AM

that is a REALLY funny commercial! it's for Visa, and... it's Kevin Bacon, and he does his own six degrees! it's really funny.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:39 PM

i can't stretch well. at least i can talk to julia and hannah about it, though. *grins* they're funny. hehe, i wonder what the fuck we're all gonna do for physics test tomorrow...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:28 PM

Morpheus isn't being nice to me. :(

I want the soundtrack to the Tao of Steve. And Newsies, for that matter...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:38 PM

perhaps Kiki is right, perhaps the internet has lost it's magic...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:33 PM

i sent my morbid scary poem into the Edge. not sure if i regret it now. no choice, though, i guess. i just hope i don't get called in to the councelor's office if they do it. i did like the poem, though.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:31 PM

you should all download Casey Chambers. she's soo cool. and she's Australian, which makes her cool, but you can't tell if she has an accent from her music. but i'm still in love with her voice. there's something about it, it's just incredible.

download 'Not Pretty Enough' and/or 'Barricades and Brick Walls'. just a suggestion...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:24 PM

I just want to be your Steve McQueen...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:21 PM

There�s a lot on my mind right now. I was feeling a lot better today. I can think of probably three things that really helped. The freshman song and that whole thing, that was really good and I could be all happy. And then painting with my mouselet, whom I love. (I wrote you something, by the way.) As much as it�s work, I like it. And then YLP. Now, usually just YLP is enough to make me happy, but today I was still just feeling like I�ve been feeling, and today�s discussion didn�t help. Usually the programs make me sad but happy that I now know this stuff. I�m pleased that I know it, but it didn�t make me happy today. What I did like, though, was talking to people. Seeing Chris is a big thing, and today I had to talk to Susan. I wanted to show her the posters from the MLK assembly, to see if camp could use them, and she really liked them, and showed them to Sergio and Ben, and that made me really proud. Then I talked to Sergio about doing the retreat exercise at school, and the realities of that. (I think it can work. There are a lot of little catches, but I really think that if we talked to Ms. Klein, she�d probably have a lot of helpful ideas. ) Then on the way out (after Chris asked for my number again), a bunch of YLPers were looking at the posters, including Patrisse and Beatriz, two girls I have so much admiration for, and a bunch of other kids. And I felt so proud, something which doesn�t happen often, and I wanted to tell them all I knew about the people from the pictures and stuff, but I had to leave. So those things made me happy. Maybe I�m over that depression thing. It�ll happen eventually.

Now I have homework. And I really don�t want to do it, and I don�t think I will. And I don�t want to go to school tomorrow (I can�t even sleep in, we have to leave at normal time because Dad has to be in court). And I think Shannon�s mad at me, which really makes me sad. And it sucks, because I think she�s mad because I don�t tell her what�s wrong, but the thing is, every time I want to tell her, she�s talking to someone else, and I get the feeling she�s busy. But maybe I�m just imagining. So yeah. That�s where I am right now. Does anyone wanna do my homework for me? It�s only Spanish, and it�s just book work, so it�s really not bad at all.

So now there's less on my mind. In fact, all i want is to sleep. or maybe watch some good movie or something, since my mind isn't in the mood to actually be asleep quite yet. pity there's nothing on. so i'll close my eyes. i'll sleep soon. night, all...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:58 PM

i hope someone can drive me to YLP today. that is all. and now i must go to school. where i'm really screwed.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 6:51 AM

this is unfortunate. all my class shirts are at my mom's house. :(
posted by Annalee Fannan at 6:50 AM

why is it that the only stations that do the stupid freezing and being yucky thing are the ones i want to watch? not ally, thankfully, but everything else.

oh, well. maybe it's trying to tell me to go to sleep.

(someone notice)
posted by Annalee Fannan at 12:01 AM

oh the weather outside is frightful,
but the fire is so delightful,
and since we've no place to go,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:56 PM

stephanie... i want to cry...

(don't worry, it's just the episode)
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:53 PM

ally and john... awwww.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:50 PM

Complete proof of how great this Ally McBeal episode is...

the happiest part is sad, and the funniest part is a funeral. and it's a very happy funeral. and... what a great episode. what a great show in general.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:48 PM

no one noticed today. you would've, but as i told you, you have enough to worry about. but i love you so so much, you better know that.

and it was... interesting, in the gallery. or outside, i suppose. but you know what i mean.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:42 PM

I have seen this episode of Ally McBeal at least four times. It's so sad, but incredible.

It's a Christmas one, where Ally represents this young transvestite (beautiful boy who looks beautiful as a girl) and it's just a beautiful episode. So sad, though...

I want to see an episode where Ally and John Cage get together. that's the mood i'm in...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:39 PM

this was definitely an inspiring factor for mine. remember it? it's in Perks

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracey smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed it to her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 11:33 PM

FUCK!!! it's doing it again. stupid fucking tv...

i'm going to sleep.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 10:14 PM

fuck! for about fifteen minutes of SFU, my tv was doing the stupid digital cable thing, and it was fucking horrible. i couldn't see anything, and i only heard every other word. sometimes more. i hate it. it gives me the fucking biggest headache.

and it was doing that for the beginning of Queer as Folk. but i think it's calmed down. of course, because of that, it's an episode i've seen. but still, it's Queer as Folk.

all of season one is on DVD.

god... i'm fucked up...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 10:12 PM

hehe, one last note, though. because you're going to read all of these at once, and you're going to go, 'what the fuck?'

it looks like i have multiple personalities, or at least the scariest mood swings possible. but i'm not so bad. i'm cool...

now i'm watching, for real. the note was just... i'm not as weird as i sound. just one of those days, yanno?

bye bye!
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:04 PM

holy shit... i never saw that episode! billy tried to cut off her tattoo. he cut off his own. holy shit...

ok, getting offline now. just gonna watch...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:02 PM

there are few things that look cooler on film than slow motion or at least extreme close up of smoke coming from someone's mouth. or even a picture, like the one's maggie took of danyel's (or was it kirsten's?) hands so long ago.

it looks... so incredibly cool. there are just a few things that just look cool, yanno? i wish... i could find them.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 9:01 PM

that was stupid. very, very stupid. shit.

but in four minutes, a new Six Feet Under is on. what a great show.

remember... when we said we'd watch a marathon? long time ago.

a lot of things were a long time ago.

god, do i really sound so pretentious? i'm in such a stupid mood.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:57 PM

hehe, reading it again i almost got back to crying. but i won't. so i'm not.

instead, i'm back to watching Demolition Man. hehe...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:41 PM

are you ok?
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:31 PM

Now is the winter of my discontent...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:28 PM

i am laughing now, though. because on Simpson's, there's a dog who loves everyone in the family except Bart, and it's vicious and cruel to him. and it makes me laugh...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:08 PM

throughout the day, i guess that's what my discontent turned into. from bored to upset to insane crying to simple depression. but it's easy to deal with at the moment. so we're cool.

hehe, i should've have read that old conversation, though. i don't know if htat started up the tears or just built on them, but it was not a happy thing. but then again, i'm glad i read it. it's funny, almost...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 8:02 PM

as i thought, i'm better now. just a mood, i guess. depression pisses me off. i thought it was just hormones when i was younger, and the therapist or someone would've known if it was clinical or something, right? ha. that's funny, when i actually think about it.

i don't want school next week. but that's ok. i'll survive. probably. *grins*

posted by Annalee Fannan at 7:59 PM

From about an hour before I left for Dad�s (and we left about an hour late) I�ve been crying on and off. In the car ride, it was literally every ten seconds. Each new song from the CD made me both stop and start again. I hate feeling like this.

And of course, my mother doesn�t notice. I don�t want her to, I hate crying in front of other people. But because of this, and because I never tell anyone how it really makes me feel (and I�m crying again now), she asks me about driving. And I get the vision in my head of what will happen if I fail again. Of how I will kill myself, pills or my writs or just run onto the freeway. Even without driving talk, I�m thinking about it. I can�t stand this.

I hate feeling like this. I want to scream or cry or just slice open my arm. And god, I don�t want any fucking hugs or �I love you�s or worried guestbook entries tonight or tomorrow at school. I just want this to go away. I�m tempted to say I want to be in control, �cause if I tell myeslf that, it�s my excuse to get control the way that I know works.

Fuck. There�s a lot I want to say, but I�m getting sick writing this while the car is moving.

Can I be depressed without a reason? Why do I feel like this? And now my mother�s being fucking retarded. But I think I�ve stopped crying now. Fantastic.

And one more quick question. Does every joint custody kid serve as a messenger? Then again, do any of you even know?

Ha. How fucking perfect. We�re an hour late, about fifteen minutes from Dad�s, and we got a flat tire. It�s fucking hilarious.

By the time I type this all up, though, I�ll be home. And I�ll be fine. So if you were, don�t worry about me�
posted by Annalee Fannan at 7:55 PM

that was fun. full family argument. there hasn't been one that's included all four of us in a long, long time. mom called dad to ask him if jesse was driving me to his house today. see, she and dad had discussed that, and said it was a good idea. of course, as i pointed out, no one had ever completely confirmed that with him, they always just sort of suggested it. but he never said he would or could. and i tried to tell this to mom, and she starts telling me all these things she means to say to jesse. she does that all the time.

"did jesse get the milk i asked him to pick up?"
"i dunno, mom. he's out at the video store now."
"i told him to do that. i do all this work for him..."
"mom, why are you telling me this?"

and stuff like that all the time. anyway, she keeps talking to dad about jesse, and then mentions changing my custody schedule to monday nights. i ask her if i have a say in it, and she relays that message to dad, and they change the subject back to jesse again. and within seconds their arguing. i can't take it sometimes. i tried leaving the room, but i was watching tv in here, and i don't know why i should have to leave. and they keep going on about how jesse should know to do this, should know he has to drive me, and i ask if they talked to him, if he knows he's supposed to. and she just says he should know. and it just all drives me insane. it's like me and jesse against mom and dad, and then it's mom against jesse, or mom against dad. and again she's talking about kicking jesse out. and i know that's just gonna lead to more arguing between him and jesse, because his school's near here, and so is his job, and this is the way it works. if you can call it that. they argue so much anyway, they hate each other, but if they just calmed down and if mom stayed out of his way and if he just kept his mouth shut they could at least live together.

i don't know how much longer i can take them...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 5:16 PM

When I grow up, I want the apartment from Big. That's it, exactly, perfect, to every detail. Except a bigger bed. But that's the size, and that's how I want to live, and I want a trampoline and fifty-foot high ceilings. You could have such amazing parties and just hanging out... It's so great.

So that's what I want. I just wish it could happen.
posted by Annalee Fannan at 1:56 PM

I had fun yesterday. It was good.

Now, though, I'm... discontent. Not really bored, 'cause Big's on, and I can always play computer games for hours. Just sort of... lacking.

Maybe because I was possibly going to do something with Marwane, but I haven't called him because... well, that whole phone thing, and I don't think he really wants to, just being polite or something, you know?

Maybe because I want friends to hang out with, to do weekend stuff.

Wish a group of us could have gone to the regatta or something, you know? Just drove somewhere and hung out to cheer on a friend. And then we could all... do something, you know? Maybe that's the mood I'm in.

And this keyboard is pissing me off, because it's my mom's computer, and it's difficult.

Rawr. I guess I'm done rambling, without actually saying anything...
posted by Annalee Fannan at 1:50 PM