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Saturday, March 16, 2002
that was nice. heavy on the jesus stuff, but that's what sonia believed, so it was okay. the third time i've been in a church, all for the same reasons. it was good seeing everyone, though. so many people, important people. i wish i could see them more, in happier circumstances. but i guess that's not how it works. instead, it's for a funeral. there's a picture of her here. she's so beautiful. i need something to do now. tv does not seem that interesting... Friday, March 15, 2002
and you know how in life there are some of those things that are just constant? sure things that won't change? well, one of them just did.
so emilia just knocked on my door, and asked if i was asleep. she comes in and tells me she's upset. because my mom just called, and apparently wants jesse to move back in. that's what she says, anyway. maybe jesse wanted it. i don't know. but she tells me she is upset by this, because, while she would love if jesse lived with us, she doesn't like mom changing her mind, and dad being forced to have stuff at the last minute, and she felt bad for jesse. "being passed back and forth," i muttered. sounds familiar. this sucks. and emilia's coming to me with it. i don't know why. maybe just because dad's on the phone with mom and i'm the only one available. she says that all of us (me, dad, jesse, maybe mom) have to talk, because this isn't working. she said we should talk tomorrow morning. mom says i should take the SAT tomorrow morning. do any of these people not think i have anything better to think about tomorrow morning? fuck. everything seems so unimportant. and somehow still, everything seems to be falling apart...
camilo knew sonia when he was little. his dad's going to be at the funeral tomorrow. emilia knew her parents. small fucking world, huh? Wednesday, March 13, 2002
this is the tattoo i want. this is one of my favorite quotes from that beautiful book. used to be my signature for a while at the Garage: "My friend never explained anything to me. He thought, perhaps, that I was like himself. But I, alas, do not know how to see sheep through the walls of boxes. Perhaps I am a little like the grown-ups. I have had to grow old."
it seems a lot later than it is. maybe because i didn't have homework, so have just been lying in bed since around nine. and because few people are online, and i've been in PJs for a while, and because of how little sleep i got last night. who knows. but it seems real late, and i might have to go to sleep pretty soon because of that. i thought i'd share that with you. oh, and one more thing:
i don't think i will ever in my life believe i am sexy. but that's ok, i have other things going. i'm popular, for one. :) hehe, i told my father that today. it was funny. i get along with the whooole class. *grin* wow, can you tell i'm tired? night night, world...
it was very good. such an incredible cast. steve buscemi, christina ricci, joshua jackson, a million other people. i wish it was longer, though. i enjoyed it muchly. and now Love and Sex is on, which is a great movie that i love to death. i hope to be as cute as that if i ever date again. it's at a sad part now, though. but such a great movie. good stuff on love, in reality. now, however, that code thing is just running through my head. i wish i could figure it out, because it's bugging me... Tuesday, March 12, 2002
I'm watching the Laramie Project. it seems interesting so far. and add to a good story the hottest actress out there, and you've got a winner. or at least i hope so.
check this out: me: puedes ayudarme con mi tarea? and now she's writing an outline for my essay. how cool! oh, and cait, guess what i just saw a commercial for? remember that random Queer Duck webpage thing? it's a show. on after Queer as Folk. how funny is that? i'm excited...
i went on my hot date. it was for about an hour, but it was cool. we talked about all sorts of things, and just walked and stuff.
that was caitlin. because i'm too busy talking to seventh graders. no, seriously, i am. akilah, erin, christina, and jade. i know seventh graders.
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." ~Groucho Marx
i woke up this morning and looked out my window to see the palm trees that line the sidewalk next to my roof. and that's all i could see. the trees stood out distinctly against an entirely gray background. there's so much fog outside that i can't seen across the street at all. it's a really beautiful sight, the clean trees against the colorless sky. very cool looking. anyway, off to school. happy banner day. Monday, March 11, 2002
what a crazy world. today proved it. just crazy. strange things going on. mostly not so good, but i guess that's teenagerhood for you. a friend relapsed into cutting. which is funny, because i talked to jessica and tori about that today. what a group of people, huh? polar opposite groups, completely, just chilling in the gallery after school. we talked about parents and groups and popularity and disorders and cutting and high school and co-ed and all-girls and schoolwork and english and just how there's so much more than we see. i think tori learned a lot, which is good, because there were things she didn't know, and it's been a long time since anyone i know has learned something new. maybe that's part of it. like today, at lunch, i felt in between, the theater people on one side, the car alarms on the other. and i know i'm not making sense, but talking with tori and jessica made me feel better. more understood, maybe? or just more comfortable? i don't know. but think about everything else that today was, too. six months. one year. two weeks. one day. god, i'm being so cryptic. i don't mean to be. i'm just in a silly mood. i have a late lunch date with marwane tomorrow, though, if he doesn't forget. would fit with my theme, though, but the other one is a good thing. i see christian saturday, though, that will give boys one point, i suppose. world's still crazy, though, either way, yanno?
fearless, slightly disabled flies. i wonder if animals can be mentally handicapped. no joke, i think this poor fly is disabled. and he keeps getting knocked onto his back. i keep turning him over, though, but in reality, i want it to just go away.
owie owie owie owie owie owie owie!!!!!!!! don't worry, not me. owie television show. bad tv, too, but i'm somehow drawn to it. which is really sad, becaues it goes against all my morals. dammit.
My brother�s moving into my dad�s place. Mom finally kicked him out, snake and all. He�s gonna live in this house, indefinitely, until he gets his own place, I guess. There wasn�t really a �final straw�, near as I can tell. When I asked Dad if they had THE big fight or just finally actually did something, he told me Mom had lied to him so Jesse would move. Mom told him insurance wouldn�t cover the snake, so asked if Dad could take it for two weeks or so. She really meant forever, and not just the snake, but Jesse too. I�m not entirely sure what all of that�s about, though. So yeah. At the time I wrote this, I was sitting in the driver�s seat in my Mom�s driveway, holding the broken emergency brake, as my dad and big brother loaded his tank and the dozens of supplies. Soon, my brother will get here with the pillow case or laundry bag holding Monty, I suppose. Add tot his another element. My dad�s fiance is not, to say the least, very pleased. In fact, Dad says she�s terrified. She never wants to see it. He can only take Monty out when she�s not home. And I just hope it never gets near her precious cocker spaniels. At ten foot python like Monty could swallow those things if he felt threatened enough. And if that happened, Emilia would probably kill my brother. It would generally be bad. But hopefully Jesse will be careful. I�m sure he will. And maybe some day he�ll actually move out. Maybe I can go with him�
yeah, ingrid, i did mean you. i only ask because... well, just because. life is funny. i think that takes a load off my mind. :)
i couldn't sleep at all last night. i just tossed and turned for hours. how annoying. i think i did it the night before, too, though i dozed off a little more. i just woke up with the covers tossed everywhere. and last night, i may have dozed for about a half hour, but other than that, i was wide awake. yuck. i'm gonna be dead all day now. but hey, know what? Happy anniversary, you guys. One year. You're both incredible. Sunday, March 10, 2002
rachel just said it. it's been half a year, but it seems like just yesterday. six months ago. but i doubt anyone's going to forget anytime soon. insane.
This is intense. A documentary, these two men had started filming a documentary on a firefighter in 2001. This one guy, they were going to follow him on his 9 month probationary trial, filming a �boy become a man in ninth months�. And they were there, filming, on 9-11. And he became a man in one day. An entire fire department caught on film that day, inside the building, running from the explosions, coming back to the station after the first collapses. Everything. All the dust, all the death, the bravery, the insanity, all of it. These real men. It�s insane. I�m not one to get all emotional, really, about stuff like this. But this is the center. Right there. It�s insane.
Dude!!! On Malcolm in the Middle, he's addicted to the Malcolm equivalent of the Sims!! how great! completely obsessed. how weird. i guess everyone gets obsessed when they get the game? aww, but it's sad...
oh, and Annu! yes, it's my incredibly young generation that's so much more privileged than yours that we have fun and educational SAT videos. and i'll have you know, 90s free dress day was the end of Spirit Week. what can i say, this years council is just so much cooler than long ago when you went to Marlborough, because, well, i'm on it. *grins* can i come to college with you? school is annoying me, and you seem to have fun.
wow. i just got another kick to the head of depression. hate that. didn't help that even my brother was on my case to get my license. it's not like i don't fucking want to. i hate this. but that's ok. we're all good...
life sucks and then you keep living. but at least you can be at your dad's house. watching Fox Sunday nights...
i need a job. but a fun one. that pays. but i don't know if that exists. maybe just something real in theatre. that'd be nice. dude! x-files tonight... spooky. she has to choose between mulder and the kid. somehow, though, i think they'll both be ok. gosh, i'm so random. wow, i just got IMed...
I have this intense desire to just take the SAT video and burn it. It would be pretty easy, and I bet it would look pretty cool. Just take the lighter thing, or some matches, and just make the thing melt. I think the only thing stopping me would be that Mom would want to /talk/, want to know if something�s wrong, and all that good parenting bullshit. I even called her on it earlier. She said, �it�s time to watch the idiotic video�. (she�s said it about twenty times, but never actually follows through.) I caller her on it, though. Told her, you don�t think it�s idiotic, you�re just trying to pull the �I understand how you feel� bullshit. It was funny. Ha. That's perfect. I had more to say, but guess what? She just came in and read the first sentence of this. And laughed. Pity she didn't know I actually meant it. But guess what happened after? The real clincher. She wanted to talk. All the bullshit I didn't want to hear, plus a guilt trip. So now she's sitting down with me, and we're going to watch. It's such a fucking joke. She found out a truth, though. That I'm just sitting here waiting to go to dad's house. So... does anyone want to save me until then? Go to a movie? Something? I'll pay for both of us. Just... fuck it. Off to rot my mind and have visions of arson... *giggles in her head*
"What are you lookin' at? You're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be. You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers, and say "that's the bad guy." So, what'll that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth... even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy. Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you." --Scarface
i did absolutely nothing yesterday. i sat on the couch all day and watched tv. i went online maybe once or twice, and for only about five minutes, if that. mostly, i just sat and watched tv. i seem to waste more and more weekends like that these days. oh, well. today, it's gonna be a fun-filled day of homework, and, if my mom gets her way, i will be forced to watch a video on taking the SAT, which is pretty stupid for two reasons. one, i don't need a video. i do pretty well on standardized tests, and have never prepared or studied for them before. (hey, random thought just came into my head. my calculator is missing. zoe, you're not in math anymore. can i borrow yours for a little bit?) and i doubt a video will help me any more than that random guy at the college night meeting did. two, i haven't registered for the SAT yet, and i don't know if i'm going to take it this time around. i never had time to register, and whenever i tried online, it hated me. my mother thought i had ulterior motives, that i didn't register on purpose because there is a YLP meeting that day. this is not true. it's just, spending every free second working on the dance concert, i never did have time. i know, i can still do it now, and just pay late fees, but mom said she'd do that, and hasn't. so who knows. but yeah. that's bothering me. maybe if i start my homework now, i will have an excuse not to watch. rawr... Thank you, Blogger.
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