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Saturday, April 27, 2002
So I�m in the kitchen, helping Emilia set things up for Dad�s birthday. And she tells me something. She was smiling, and most of it was in a joking matter. �Mija, you need to talk to your grandmother. She wants to know something. She was talking to me, and she asked if you liked boys. I told her, yes, I know she likes boys. She asked, you�re sure she likes boys? I said of course. You don�t have a lot of guys to choose from, but I know you don�t like girls. I said I didn�t think you had a boyfriend, but I knew you liked boys. I told her, you like that man from the X-Files. So you have to talk to her about it.� And I�m too chicken shit, too fucking scared out of my mind to tell her, know what? You�re wrong. I like girls. Girls are the only thing that feels right. But I can�t tell her. And I can�t tell my grandmother. I have to be so careful when I tell her I�m president of Alliance. Instead of being proud, not even of being gay but just of being president of a club, I have to reassure her, lie to her and cover-up who I am. I was so uncomfortable when she told me this. Just smiling, saying �you�re right,� because yeah, sure, I like David Duchovny. But I can�t tell her the truth. How pathetic. And it was the first time that came up. Until now, I never /really/ lied. Of course, I never told the truth, I would just always make sure to mention how hot that actor is, or how it�s so annoying that I know so few straight guys. But then this came up. She flat out said I don�t like girls, and there wasn�t a thing I could do. Jesus. I guess this means my grandmother suspects, though. Surprised it took so long. I still remember that fight with her about it, and even then she just thought I was just supportive of my friends. And talking at her house, hinting so close but just covering it up. And now Emilia covered for me, without even knowing. I wonder if I�ll ever tell her. And if she�ll be glad I could share with her, but still sad about it. Not sad because she thought it was wrong or anything, I know that. Just sad because it would make my life more difficult, and she might believe I could never have children. But it�s already made my life more difficult, if only for this exact situation. Fuck. That was just really weird. And really, really sad. Friday, April 26, 2002
the status bar for the download has disappeared, and i don't know how much longer i have to be online. it's the sad part of the movie, and i have feelings that i don't know what to do with right now, and somehow i'm sure that knowing about the download would clear something up, though i'm not sure why...
"Always, this ridiculous obsession with love!" ~ Moulin Rouge, which I'm watching right now for no other reason than that I can.
So Sayre drove me home to South Pas tonight. and she just left. how odd. just thought i'd mention that. some other things i wanted to say: at dinner last night, i got into a very long conversation with Bob about queer issues. Bob is a head dude in the Cabaret, and he was talking to me about what it's like at school, what the parents are like about GLBT issues, and then he told me he used to go to Loyola, which i thought was interesting. it was cool talking to him. it was cool talking to everyone. they're all so great. now it's a weekend, and it doesn't seem like it. but it's my dad's birthday tomorrow, which should be cool. i have an essay to write, about which i'm screwed, but whatever. now it's dinner time. it's all cool.
oh yeah. career day. i suppose that was today, too. it was fun, really, better than i expected. courtney's very cool, and me and lauren talked about Rent for about an hour, which brightens up any day. I was ready to kill Katie since the first two minutes, but managed to survive. I even got to like Blythe a little better. those are the top points. the company's pretty cool, the people seem neat, then i left. now i'm tired, or i'd write more.
Our show was great. It was definitely the best we�ve run so far, and it was fun, and we got everything cleared out, and we got to shmooze, and it was fabulous. And I even got to go out to dinner with everyone! And Danny was there, who was in my first show with them (and I think he was stoned, but it�s ok), and just so many people and laughing and happiness. We don�t have another rehearsal until Tuesday, though, so we were all hugging and saying how much we were going to miss everyone, even though it was only four days. But still, we�ve spent every day together for the past month or so. We�re close now. Everyone was mentioning how sad it would be after Thursday next week. I hope we all still get together, and that they don�t forget me. I know I�ll do other shows, (I�ve already been offered two, I don�t think I can do either, though, with APs and such), but I want to get together with /these/ people. Michael, Alan, Bruce, Janie, and Allen. Especially Michael, because� it�s his show. Totally. Rawr. I don�t think I can explain it all to you, and I know I talk about this almost non-stop, and you�re probably getting sick of it, but I love these people, they�re so great. And we�ve finished half our shows. Tonight was great, and I�m so glad I got to stay out, but it�s somewhat sad, too. Meep. In other news, Courtney is going out with Chris now, who played her romantic costar in Betrayal. I definitely think it works. Except I feel something of a fool for when I introduced her to everyone. Oh, well, it was funny, I guess. Like that scene in Almost Famous, yanno? Ok. It�s late, I�m tired, and I need to sleep before my mom chops off my head. But that�s my synopsis of the night. Because you all care. I�m glad I went out, even though I�m still behind in Mrs. Dalloway reading. But it�s all good. Wednesday, April 24, 2002
the show tonight was also good, though it started out shakey and our sound guy... well, can improve a bit. dr. whitted and laurie brown came to see it, which was cool. now, though... everything else is back. i'm exhausted and have a headache, and i'm freaking out about tomorrow. i don't know if i have a ride to school, don't know about a ride back, either. i can get to the play ok, which is really all i actually care about, but i don't want to get in trouble at school. sigh... i need to figure something out. and i even woke roach up, which i feel bad about, and i'm scrambling around seeing if anyone's available. my mom goes to work at six-ish, so she may just drop me off on larchmont real early, or i'll take the bus... rawr. i'm so tired. and i was thinking of doing homework tonight. ha. how am i planning on doing any? especially since i don't have Mrs. Dalloway. dammit!!!!! and so much shit next week, and APs so soon, and the end almost in sight but like they say, the darkest hour is just before dawn, and the next few weeks will be hell. i can feel my exhaustion in my every bone. jesus, i need to rest... Tuesday, April 23, 2002
I�m sitting here exhausted, my stomach in pain, my legs itching and injured, stressed and anxious. I just took a bath to relieve some of it, but I still feel it in my bones. But still, I�m incredibly happy. We opened tonight, and it was great. A few tiny errors, but it was fun. I even got electrocuted, but only a little bit. Allen gave me roses, Michael was beaming, there was cool stuff. Oh, and Courtney came, which was cool, and Michael said something which was interesting. I was introducing her to the cast members who didn�t know her, and when she walked away I had a stupid grin on my face and said, �Courtney�s cool.� And Michael said that Courtney was cool, and that she attracts a lot of women (yes, this is the girl I gush about each time she�s in or at my shows, because she�s so adorable), as many women as she does men, which he said didn�t happen a lot. I thought that was interesting. I don�t really know much what else to say. I�m a bit bitter, though, because, like always, the cast and crew are going out to party tonight. But because it�s at a bar (and probably because it�s a school night, but I could�ve talked my way out of that), I can�t go. This happens at each of these plays, I should be used to it by now, but this cast I feel close to. Maybe I can convince them sometime before we end to celebrate at a restaurant or something, where i can go. I�m very tired now, and as hard as it is for me to believe, I have school tomorrow. So I�m off.
You know, she had tried to write all this other stuff, but i had a feeling some of you would make fun of me. Because... well, because of conversations we've had. *grins*
Sayre is really not mean, and for all of you who think she is mean, you who claim to be "very open minded people" are in fact very shallow just like Sayre is. You are no different from her.
my body's falling apart. there are wholes in my legs, scrapes in my arms, sickness all over, and for once i'm not even the one doing it to myself. and sometimes i don't know which one is more frightening, that i'll die from these things or that i won't, and they'll just always be there. i wish the kitchen wasn't downstairs. i need a diet coke. or some yogurt. or something. it's too hot in here. i wonder if i'll ever get to sleep...
There's this scene in the movie High Fidelity. Laura asks Rob to sleep with her, because "it's either that or i go home and stick my hand in a fire." I feel like that, sometimes... Monday, April 22, 2002
Two Sunday nights without HBO or Showtime (and one without TV at all), and you can miss a lot. I missed a hell of a lot on Queer as Folk, and /everything/ got crazy on Six Feet Under last week. thank god i'm catching up, though. it's important. maybe you don't understand. but i know a lot of you do. so feel for me. hmm. i want diet coke. Dude! Santa just died in front of some kids. Damn.
More on the Rent costumes for Halloween. i'm so seriously into it. Look! i even found a webpage about it. we just need to find pictures of the whole cast (easy) and we could do it. it'd be fun. ok, need to stop blogging... can i go home yet? written by Michael Goodfriend April 23, 24, & 25 at BLUE, 1642 N. Las Palmas 8PM
i'm alone in here. there are no juniors, or even sophomores or seniors. well, maybe one sophomore. alex. but no one else. and... it's been this way since class meeting, i think. i've felt alone.
"Well, there's a lot of lezbos here!" I just heard that. In the fucking computer lab. And I'm sitting right here. Holy shit. They were talking about the Kids Choice Awards. And how it was weird that Rosie O'Donnell was hosting. They were all talking real fast, babbling over each other. I don't think I got it word for word, but it was odd. "well, you know..." and then that. this is so fucking weird. i think someone said, like who? and then there was silence. in some ways, i'm hoping they pointed to me or something. holy shit. they're freshman, i believe. and one of them is even a friend of mine. i'm sure she didn't say it. but... jesus. it's just... weird. i... don't know. i want to say something. or do something. or just throw something at them, scream at them, something! i don't know what to do.
We open tomorrow. I have so much school work, an essay I don't know a thing about, an english book to read that i don't have, and who knows how many other things to worry about. and then, when that's over, the play. but that usually calms me down, in some way. who knows. arg...
I rode on a motorcycle today. I know I've told lots and lots of people, and will probably tell you again, but it made me really happy. I actually got to ride on a motorcycle. I've never done that before. It was fun. And it made me happy. And I got to miss part of spanish and (accidentally) all of history to have a rehearsal. We went through a rather shaky tech run, where they said I did good for a first run, but I know that i really messed up a lot. In fact, a lot of my notes seemed wrong, which terrifies me to no end. Being a part of this stuff is important to me, especially knowing that I'm so young, so messing up is a big deal. I hate it so much. Then again, messing up during any show makes me so upset. Grr. So here's hoping I do decently enough that they (and I) don't hate me.
Next year, for Halloween, let's be Rent. If I could find the costumes, I'd have dibs on Mark or Roger, but anything would be cool if a group of us really did it.
I'm almost afraid of typing my story up. it's not too bad so far, and i'm afraid it will turn into the shit that all my writing turns into when i type it. and add the fact that it's such a dorky thing to write. but i can't make it real unless i type it and submit it. but first i'd have to finish, and i don't think i'd like it if i typed it. then again, i'm not sure i'll like it even if i don't. then again, i don't think i should worry about finishing when i don't even have a plot yet. but that's what i'm working on now. for some reason, i'm convinced laura could help it somehow, but i don't know why. fuck it. maybe i should get some sleep. tomorrow's going to be a busy day. sigh... Sunday, April 21, 2002
I can't go to the development retreat this weekend. I'm just too busy, and i really hate that. But it's my dad's birthday, which should be fun, and besides, there's a Great Big Sea concert, which i can hopefully go to. I hope I can still go to camp, though. I know there are other people who can't go, and Sergio said it was okay, and Cody said people still went to camp. So it should be ok. Too bad I'm going to miss that stuff, though.
warning, X-Files spoilers ahead. not that i think anyone who cares if it's spoiled actually hasn't seen it, but you never know. so i'm still warning. (if you don't know what spoilers are, don't worry) The Gunmen are dead. This can't be happening. I actually started crying when it happened. I know, it's just a show, but you don't understand. This show has been important to me for a very long time. And these guys... fuck, they're the Lone Gunmen! Frohike, the little frogman who so expertly observed about Scully: "She's hot." Langly, the man who seems to match his name, tall and lanky with his geeky long hair and thick glasses, and witty little geeky comments. and Byers, the sweet one, who was calm and intelligent. was. this is fucking spooky. they can't be dead. i cried for them. they do mean that much. this show means a lot. without it, i can honestly say my life would be very different right now. and there are only four more episodes left. fucking hell, man. They're shutting down the X-files...
That was nice. A lot of juniors. A lot of talented people in general. During intermission, something very unexpected but rather cool happened. Ms. Wagner, the head of our school, came up to me and thanked me and congratulated me for my bravery in making the Day of Silence announcement to the school. She said she saw that I was a little nervous, but it was really great of me to do it. She supports us. Who would've thunk...
Since no one else could do it, and i am president of guild, i'm working the music ensemble show today. how many of you even knew there was one? you should all go. if not to see the music of our friends and schoolmates, then to see me! it should be fun, and they don't get enough support...
my mother woke me up by holding this, which most of you have seen already. it was odd seeing a bunch of my friends on the front page. it's kind of weird. it talks about how privileged we are to have such a great college counseling office, and it's true. but while it says how talented and intelligent we are, it makes us sound like ditzes, too. we get to wear cute clothes, and yeah, we're privileged, but this is what we pay for. i don't know. and then i get mad, because it doesn't mention anything about the kids who didn't get into top schools. and it's just weird in general, having a whole newspaper article about this very thing i'm caught up in the middle of. Thank you, Blogger.
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