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Saturday, May 04, 2002
I've got it. A Christian Bale moviefest. okay, maybe just two of them (though i could fit in three, if i really wanted) Empire of the Sun (incredible movie, i think his first, when he still used his cute accent, which you can hear at his website a perfect progression of his work, starting as a kid and moving to young adulthood, before the scariness that is American Psycho.
OH!!! right. i want you to tell me what song you would put on a cd to blast through your windows as you sped along a highway with your best friends on a roadtrip to celebrate youth. name one or two. Teenage Wasteland, Kids in America, something like that? Anyone, just tell me one song, two songs, or name a whole CD. i want to know.
i had something to say. now what was it? i don't remember. shit, that really pisses me off. but know what? i'm friends with julie's brother now, which is cool, because he's really funny. but what was i going to say??? dammit, this is really making me mad. i'll try to remember...
Great Sprit, Great Spirit, my Grandfather, all over the earth the faces of living things are all alike. Look upon these faces of children without number that they may face the winds and walk the good road to the day of quiet. ~ Black Elk Allen wrote that on the card he gave me. there's also the Chinese symbol for Happiness.
ok. so i woke up feeling very ill, with a sore throat and stuffy nose. and then i went to take the SAT! exciting. but it was all right, because i saw some people from school (even though it was at loyola), and mike pelch and nick royble (sp?). and i even saw a girl from rachel's crew team, which was cool. i don't know her name, but i said hi (she didn't recognize me, but it was ok). the general consensus was that the test was relatively easy, and i talked to another friend i knew who was there, and he had taken it in march, too, and said that ours was easier, so i feel good. i probably messed up, but at the moment, i have high hopes. which are dangerous, but oh well. i still feel kind of sick, but a huge amount of pressure was just released, so that's good. i wonder if my sickness is the final result of my working myself to exhaustion, mentally and physically. i think today i'll try to see a movie or something, or rent newsies, and go see Emi's play (partly to see it and partly because, in my genius, i forgot to take home my english stuff, regardless of the fact that my English AP is on monday. i'm so incredibly intelligent it hurts). maybe i'll just rest, though, because the sick feelings are sort of coming and going. and there's a sore on my face that really hurts when i open my mouth wide, which is very annoying. ok, that's all the random crap i'm going to entertain you with for now. Friday, May 03, 2002
i wish i could drive. if i can't talk to anyone, i could just go out driving somewhere. i'm feeling... something weird, though, and i'd probably find some empty road and drive way too fast with music loud enough to make my ears bleed. literally. i want music pounding in my head right now, and the power under my foot to fly so fast i burn rubber, to rev the engine, to just go. i can't explain it. i think i want to scream. if i had a car, i could do that. but now i'm calm. i would just drive somewhere away from here, and just park and listen to music and write or smoke or read or something. these emotions are fucking me up. i'm crazy and mad for no reason, and then i'm down and empty and so fucking sad for no reason. i'm fucking going insane. i should sleep. i have the SAT tomorrow. but if i sleep now, i'll be so fucking down. because i'm alone right now. completely. shit. i have to go.
my throat really hurts, and i do not know why. and i just wrote a two page essay for no particular reason. maybe to be used as a college essay, but it might be too long. mostly just because i had a funny thought, and wanted to write about my show, because it seems to be the best thing going on in my life right now, even if it is over.
don't you hate this? when you're online, craving connection, and everyone else is out having a life? no matter how much they try to deny it, they are. or they're studying for SATs, and being productive that way. while i'm just here, wishing you were.
circles. he is back to how he was. i found a letter from what seems like long ago, but was just a little under a year. because we're just TOO COOL. i remember the lines waiting outside Episode 1, and now, guess what? little things, but maybe a symbol for something. another year, another candle burning. wish you were here. "Remember that CD?" no, i never heard it. same old crushes, too. just makes them all pathetic. memories. even my first Yale show was at the end of last school year. i can't believe a year went by so fast... so what has changed? for me, anyway? little things, and mostly for the worse, i think. i'm a worse friend, i'm not as smart, and i can't be strong. i can't even stay awake anymore, which really hurts. i can't be there for my friends, i can't hold up my old reputation. something needs to change. earlier, in my own journal, i quoted the play, about my play. "I'll be your escape." Because it was, to me. Now another line comes to mind. "I fear each moment for what will come from it." Every day scares me because I know there's so much work, SATs and APs and tests and projects and quizzes and essays and more than i can take. Oh, well. Junior year was supposed to be like this, right? Another memory. I was so proud at the beginning of the year, of all the things i was doing. The plays, being on council, being president of two clubs, taking two APs. Hehe. Know what? i should be proud, you know? It's all circles. And Gabrielle just sent me an e-mail which made me so happy. So now, I don't know how I'm feeling. Maybe I should just walk myself down to the Grove or Beverly Center or somewhere and see Spiderman on my own. Why not? And then maybe come home and rent Newsies or something. I'd rather see friends, of course, but it wouldn't be so bad having alone time with a good movie.
I don't want the play to be over. Not just because I'll miss the people, though that is a big part of it (i'll have to post what i wrote later. if i decide to share it. we'll see.), but more because i don't want the real world to be here yet. it was a great comfort being able to forget everything i did at school by three o'clock and just concentrate on Dear Father, on Michael and Allen and Alan and Bruce and Janie and even Fiona, and the props and the costumes and the words and the songs and everything. But now I don't have that. I have the memories, but those don't make me forget the rest of it. Don't make me forget school. And school sucks.
I really liked the Lake Shore of the Innisfree one. it seems to fit my mood perfectly, and i'm not entirely sure why.
I made my song a coat Covered with embroideries Out of old mythologies From heel to throat; But the fools caught it, Wore it in the world's eyes As though they'd wrought it. Song, let them take it, For there's more enterprise In walking naked. A Coat, by Yeats
I had a thought for no one's but your ears: That you were beautiful, and that I strove To love you in the old high way of love. Adam's Curse, also by Yeats i think i like this guy...
The Lake Isle of Innisfree William Butler Yeats I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I�m so completely happy right now. I mean, I�m sad, too, terribly sad, but for the first time with these plays, I really think I�ll see these people again, so I�m not so sad. Tonight was so fabulous. I can�t explain it. The show was perfect, though, and right before, Allen and Michael gave cards and gifts to everyone, which was so sweet, and made me so happy. And then we had a perfect run, with an incredibly attentive, enthusiastic audience (and there were even people I knew, like Meg, who I�ve missed, and Jon, both of whom were involved in both of the other shows), and just a great show. Then Bruce gave me his gift, which is so hilarious, and as the complete token of their love for me, Allen and Michael let me keep the whip! I couldn�t stop grinning. Then we took our time striking everything, since there was no club tonight, and we all went out to Miceli�s. I got to go to the party afterwards, with everyone, and a few extras. And Alan kept embarrassing me by introducing me to everyone, and saying �and she�s so great, and she�s only in high school,� but, though I ducked my head and gave an �aw shucks�, it really did make me feel so incredible. I love that, that they treat me the way they do. They don�t treat me like another adult. It�s like� it�s like I�m more special than that. Like, I�m they�re pet, the kid sister that they really like. But still, the word I heard so much was that I was so professional. And that�s so cool. Because I�m so afraid I�m not, you know? No, you don�t, not really. But it all made me feel so good. And now I�m home, and the glow, the greatness of it all is still with me. I could possibly even do some homework now, finish up the math project so I don�t have to go to class, but I might wait. I�m feeling good. I�m not even disappointed none of you came anymore. Until tonight, I was mad about it, I was hurt and I was let down that none of my friends came to see this thing I haven�t stopped talking about for the last month and a half, that meant to much to me. Not one friend. But these guys are my new friends. I don�t need to mix the two worlds. This is something I will not share with you. And I�m all right with that. I think I�m more than all right with it. On another note that won�t seem related because you�re not me, I�m glad I got to talk to Shannon today. It was a good day altogether, with our bouts of juvenile delinquency and general happiness. It�s almost like� we�re on the same page, even if we sometimes speak different languages. I could talk to her about stuff, because she�s not completely in my group of friends, and other stuff, it just wouldn�t matter. Oh, well. No more thinking of sad things. Today was too great a day. I�m going to miss them like crazy, though. But I will see them again. And I�ll always have the whip. :) Wednesday, May 01, 2002
it's odd being home this early. i should read Mrs. Dalloway. definitely. i think i'll go do that. and then change. and go to my play. hopefully we'll have an audience tonight.
Impression that I get Mighty Mighty Bosstones Have you ever been close to tragedy there is an awesome a cappella version by the SoCal VoCals (hehe). get it. Tuesday, April 30, 2002
Show went well, except for two little sound mistakes. It was very sad, though, because we only had 14 people in the audience. Hopefully there will be more tomorrow and Thursday. Meep. I love these people. And fuck. I have too much work to do tonight.
how can i be this tired? i try to do my homework, read the pages of Mrs. Dalloway i really need to read, and i can't. i'm too fucking tired. and the thing is, i really like this book. i just can't stay awake. i need NoDoz. it's a matter of survival. fuuuuuck, i'm exhausted. Monday, April 29, 2002
Sunday, April 28, 2002
eep. this is worrisome. we have very few peope up for reservations next week, which is bad, because we extended, yanno? hmm... i'll have to remind the friends i know who are coming to RSVP. now... which friends are those? dr. cottingham, maybe?
i downloaded someone else singing O Sifuni Mungu. no where near as cool as Chamber Choir. even if they do have guys. no, not even close. still a great song, but our girls are so much better.
this week is going to suck. i haven't really grasped that. monday, i have an essay due. tuesday, a math test. wednesday... another test, i don't remember which subject. thursday is physics test, i think, unless i'm mixing it up with whatever test is wednesday. history? oh, well. either tuesday, wednesday, or thursday is my spanish project. and tomorrow, i'm teching a show, and tuesday, wednesday, and thursday i'm teching a different show. this is going to be SO much fun!
ok. at this moment in time, i hate chris carter and david duchovny. i know, in reality, i can't hate them, and by the end of the finale i most likely won't even be mad at them. but that was the worst thing. this and the death of the gunmen... i'm pissed off. it made me really, really mad. i'm sad, too, because that's just horrible. scully doesn't really want to give up her kid, i know it just like i knew it wasn't mulder. and besides, it's his kid, too! this is unfair. i'm pissed. really, really mad. ARG. on another note, i download a few of those songs, and am currently downloading more. which makes me slightly happier. but still... dude. these episodes are beginning to piss me off...
Ok, because of Audiogalaxy and inspired by Mollie's CD, i'm madly in love with these songs, and audiogalaxy and a cappella and everything. A cappella songs I need to download:
�Her kid must be fifteen. I could go out with him. Almost.� Undoubtedly she�s already been made fun of for that, and depending on the audience, will be made fun of again. That�s really kind of sadly funny, and I�m sure she knows it every time she reads the lines�
What the hell am i going to write about for this essay? i've honestly never been this unprepared. I'm freaking out about it, i have no idea what to write. I even had a dream about the essay last night, that it was the period before it was due and i couldn't think of a word to write. i'm close to having a fucking anxiety attack about this one essay, and i don't know what to do. Thank you, Blogger.
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