Sunday,
December 17, 2000
Know that I'm not there
It
just hit me how much I've lost. I've lost so many people, so many
friendships. Knowing that Natalie was out watching a movie with friends
from elementary school, and I wasn't there was weird. How can she hold
on to those friendships so strongly? And I know I can't exactly want to
have been there, I barely know any of them anymore, but it still makes
me very sad. And then there's the fact that they saw a movie that I was
hoping to see with someone this weekend. But it's not just that. I was
thinking of who i might see the movie with, and i could only think of
three people. One of them saw it yesterday, one of them is ill, and one
of them probably wouldn't even want to see a movie with me at all. I
have no true friends. Honestly.
It used to be that there was Rachel and there was Natalie and there was
Cynthia. Natalie has slowly been drifting away. Every time I try to do
something with her there's always an excuse she has not to do it with
me. I've been wondering if it's me recently. I mean, there's nothing to
talk about with her. conversation is dead, she looks so bored when she's
with me, and she looks like she has so much more fun with other people.
I don't know what to do.
Then there's Rachel, who I just can't figure out for the life of me.
Last year i thought I had her pegged. I thought I knew her. I thought we
were really close. Where did I go wrong?
Then Cynthia. Cynthia is great for me when she's around. But she never
is. I see her at school, i know. But there isn't time to talk on the
phone with her, she's always off to Taiwan or Thailand or a piano
competition or just practicing piano and i just don't see her. And she
also seems very bored when she's around me.
Am I boring? oh my god. i am. I mean, people have conversations with
other people online that last for hours and mean something.
They're about something. And they end up having some
lasting effect on those two people. But whenever i start a conversation
in AIM, it always ends up dead. Except with one person. And I really
can't find how it's different. What do i do different with this person
so that the conversation doesn't end on a "Yeah" or an
"Okay" or "That sounds cool". How do I become
interesting?
This question has boggled me for a long time now. I look at people like
Natalie and Annalee and Maggie who draw people towards them. People just
instinctively like them. Or at least, the minute they meet them, they
just like them from then on. And they want to talk with these
people. There's something about these three people that just makes
people go crazy and to know so plainly that there's no chance that I
could ever acquire this thing is painful.
I wish I knew that people liked me. Sometimes i think that people talk
behind my back and say the awful things that mean that they never cared
about me in the first place. I fear this. I find myself wondering what
people say about me behind my back all the time. What do they say?
"Rachel's so boring." ??
I am boring. I'm sorry.
Know
that I love you
Know I don't care
Know that I see you
Know I'm not there.
-Nick Drake "Know" |